the beauty lies in the uncertainty.

Well, I’ve been praying for God to move mountains friends, and it looks like He may do just that. God has this funny way of continually putting me in my place, gracefully humbling me in a way that leaves me simply….in awe. I’ve had an overwhelming passion in my heart since Beth Guckenberger came and spoke at Cru early last fall, and it hasn’t left my heart since then. I’ve felt unsettled, shaken, and entirely broken for orphans all over the world, and the desire to let them know how much they are loved by God has taken over my heart. I attempted to contact Beth and her husband through Back2Back ministries in January, hoping but not expecting the Lord to move in the hearts of the ministry and just simply share my own heart with them. The first response I received was positive, stating that they hoped they could get me in, but would email me back within a month with a more definitive idea of availability. I waited, and waited, and waited, and finally got impatient enough to email them back myself. And I received a reply stating that it was a very good chance that there wouldn’t be enough room for me.

At this point, I wrote off going to Mexico for this summer, and I began thinking of ways that I could make it there in the future. I also decided to spend a large portion of my money going to Anna Maria Island in Florida with 8 other RAs for Spring Break. Now let me explain that I wasn’t planning on going to Florida because I wanted to save up my money to take the trip to Mexico. So three weeks before Spring Break was to arrive, I found out I wasn’t going to Mexico, and with much deliberation and frustration but ultimate satisfaction in my decision, I decided to spend spring break with 8 great friends.

Its funny, you know? I’m a planner. I thrive off of getting myself in order and purposefully planning out life. I try to plan out all the big things with careful consideration and preparation. But God likes to put up barriers in my life and thrust me into entirely new directions. And like He did with Cru band and RA stuff, God decided to tell me no, let me go on spring break, and then say, “Oh Steph, I was just kidding! I want you to go to Mexico this summer even though you don’t have enough money for it and really have no clue what you are getting into.”

But friends, that’s the beauty of it. The beauty lies in the uncertainty. God has given me a wonderfully visible opportunity to completely and fully trust in Him and His provision to get me to Mexico to help those sweet orphans. Because to be honest, I can’t really afford it. I’m going to HAVE to rely on support from friends and family to pay for this. I’m going to have to put a hold on starting to save money for after college when I’m up to my ears in debt. But it is so worth it, and I have so much faith that God will provide.

I have faith because it’s not about me. It’s not about the money. It’s not about the fear. It’s not about the fun i’m sure i’ll have or anything. IT’S ALL ABOUT GLORIFYING GOD IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE. It’s about sharing His love with some of the neediest in the world. It’s about loving people in the way God loves us and instructs us to love others.

It’s about being uncomfortable.

I’m swimming in uncertainty, but I am content.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all ways acknowledge Him, and he will make your paths straight” -Proverbs 3:5-6.
God this one is yours. I know you will not fail me.

(untitled.)

Outstretched Hand
by Anthony Flora

Grey eyes and a dirty beard
hang down to holy sneakers and
cracked hands holding cardboard
that asks God's blessing on those who give to the poor.
Weathered flannels, stained yellow teeth
don't find much to chew -
an empty stomach nags
a worn soul.
Scabs blemish two arms
filled with used veins
that can't often run in a straight line
since it makes the night warmer,
the bench softer,
the memories a little foggier.

So can you spare some change he asks -
'cause the night is long...

You give and take away.

God is so good, and He has given me so much.

I have always tried my hardest to fully appreciate everything He has given me, but sometimes it takes God making you feel like He has stripped you of nearly all of the things you feel make you who you are to fully grasp and appreciate the true depths of His glory.

I'm not going to lie, God and I weren't very tight over Spring Break, and I really REALLY miss Him. I lived a week without thinking about Him all the time and without really thinking about what Jesus would do in situations I was put in...and let me tell you, it was extremely draining. I just really miss Him. I'm looking forward to getting back into the Word and getting lost in Him again and not taking anymore breaks from God. I need Him.

It's so amazing the wonderful things that God provides if you just give Him a chance. He has really shown me that He does give and take away, but it is all for His purpose. He's taken away a lot of great things, but I'm beginning to see and feel the GREATER things He is providing me with. It's definitely taken some time, but it was soo worth the wait. I'm really, really happy. I'm confident in the choices I have made thus far and feel like they are so God-driven. I feel like when I make decisions now, I'm listening to what God is trying to tell me. What an amazing and fulfilling feeling to be living life in this way! I'm just so unbelievably blessed.

I'm looking forward to singing with Cru again this week. Over the past few months, worshiping with the Cru band has been one of the most stable components of my life, as silly as that sounds. It has kept me grounded in Christ, and it has almost forced me [in an amazing way] to keep my focus on Him in the most genuine way possible. When I first joined Cru band, I was sort of nervous and just really didn't know what I was getting myself into. But looking back, it has been one of the best things that has happened to me. Plus, I love my band brothers! :) What amazing men of God they are and what a wonderful influence they have had on me!

Women's Min is starting soon, and I am so excited and nervous and pumped and joyful, etc. I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm just following what God has layed so heavily on my heart for so long now. I don't feel like I'm worthy to help lead such a potentially powerful and life-changing ministry, but I'm just listening and letting the Lord take this one. When God is the center, great things always happen, and I'm not losing faith in that.

Hope everyone's Spring Break was as relaxing as mine was!
Love,
Steph