Make straight the paths that crookedly lie, oh Lord, before these feet of mine.

I am trying to understand how to walk this weary land.
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie, oh Lord, before these feet of mine. When my world is shaking, Heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I'll never leave Your hands.

The song "Your Hands" by JJ Heller has really reached into the depths of my soul and so beautifully extracted the exact words that have been in my heart for the past year of my life.

I am at a place in my life where the future is rapidly unfolding before me in an overwhelming way. I am making decisions that are affecting the rest of my life, determining relationships that are worth keeping, but also solidifying the values that I hold dear. I am learning that there are times in our lives where we must shed relationships that are toxic to us - the relationships that steal life from us and break us down in ways that leave us a little less free. There are times when no matter how painful letting go of a relationship may be, we must enter into that pain and face it head on while also basking in the loneliness that we all so deeply fear.

Why do we fear loneliness? There's a place in a lot of us that fills up our schedules to the brim to escape any glimmer of loneliness until our stress surges so deeply that we become hardened to the world or an emotional basket case [either one!]. We have a breakdown, we prune our schedules, we decide that we can take on more, and then the process begins all over again.

I'm taking this time in my life to just stop. To sit on the morning bench with the Lord. To bask in the frightening loneliness. To work through the hardships in my life and let them continue to mold my character.

I think we are afraid of loneliness because it is so encapsulating. We allow loneliness to take over our whole being. We lose control and give in to the power we falsely believe it has over us. We let it creep in and slowly take control of every aspect of our lives until we can't stop it. We fear loneliness because we are told that it is an equivalent of weakness. We fear loneliness because the Christian community tells us that if we feel lonely, then there is something terribly wrong with our relationship with Christ.

I have felt terribly lonely over these past six months. I've lost several relationships that once defined who I was. I'm learning that I must define myself by the One who is perpetual, by He who provides me with unconditional, everlasting, true love. Not the fleeting love I want to feel.

I've learned that it's ok to feel lonely. We must take that time to run to the Lord head on with everything we have, even when it feels like a hopeless and daunting task. It is in the moments of loneliness that the Lord so profoundly shapes our character and our relationship with Him, even if we don't feel like any change is happening. Loneliness is not weakness, however you must expose and confront the feeling of loneliness before it takes control of your whole self. And loneliness is not always the mark of a broken relationship with the Lord but rather an opportunity to bask in the fullness of His enduring love that will never abandon or forsake us.

I'm at a really interesting place in life right now. I'm learning what it means to be a true sister in Christ, and let me tell you it's not an easy task to learn. It's painful, lonely, and frightening, but it has been such an overwhelming experience of growth for me. I think I can safely assert that I have never really known what true friendship looks or feels like. I've had a bagillion "best friends", but I have let go of a majority of those relationships. I've always felt like that person that has given so much of myself to a friendship, nearly identified myself by them, and never truly felt the same support and love that I value and work to achieve in return. But I'm realizing that not only was I wrong, but that I'm learning what true, Christ-centered friendship with women is like, and it has been something that I didn't know I was truly searching for until I found it. I think Christian women put up a wall of fake vulnerability. We reveal struggles to each other that we know will be accepted by the Christian community and met with a "Oh hunny, I've been through that. Pray about it, and God will change your heart." It's not good enough. I've made it a goal of mine to break through those false barriers and be uncomfortably real with those around me. I'm not telling you that you should go spill your guts to whoever is closest to you and just automatically trust that they won't tell the whole world. It is important to check your motives behind sharing with others. But what I am saying is that when we can be genuinely vulnerable with each other, our friendships will be so much deeper, so much more fulfilling, and so much more glorifying to God.

And praise God for providing these genuine friendships in my life.

I'm learning that there are some relationships that you must let go. We are human, we are not meant to be stifled but to live. We must allow ourselves to bask in the loneliness and move on to bigger and better things, allowing God to move and work in our lives even when we don't see or feel Him there with us.

We will never leave His hands.

the beauty lies in the uncertainty.

Well, I’ve been praying for God to move mountains friends, and it looks like He may do just that. God has this funny way of continually putting me in my place, gracefully humbling me in a way that leaves me simply….in awe. I’ve had an overwhelming passion in my heart since Beth Guckenberger came and spoke at Cru early last fall, and it hasn’t left my heart since then. I’ve felt unsettled, shaken, and entirely broken for orphans all over the world, and the desire to let them know how much they are loved by God has taken over my heart. I attempted to contact Beth and her husband through Back2Back ministries in January, hoping but not expecting the Lord to move in the hearts of the ministry and just simply share my own heart with them. The first response I received was positive, stating that they hoped they could get me in, but would email me back within a month with a more definitive idea of availability. I waited, and waited, and waited, and finally got impatient enough to email them back myself. And I received a reply stating that it was a very good chance that there wouldn’t be enough room for me.

At this point, I wrote off going to Mexico for this summer, and I began thinking of ways that I could make it there in the future. I also decided to spend a large portion of my money going to Anna Maria Island in Florida with 8 other RAs for Spring Break. Now let me explain that I wasn’t planning on going to Florida because I wanted to save up my money to take the trip to Mexico. So three weeks before Spring Break was to arrive, I found out I wasn’t going to Mexico, and with much deliberation and frustration but ultimate satisfaction in my decision, I decided to spend spring break with 8 great friends.

Its funny, you know? I’m a planner. I thrive off of getting myself in order and purposefully planning out life. I try to plan out all the big things with careful consideration and preparation. But God likes to put up barriers in my life and thrust me into entirely new directions. And like He did with Cru band and RA stuff, God decided to tell me no, let me go on spring break, and then say, “Oh Steph, I was just kidding! I want you to go to Mexico this summer even though you don’t have enough money for it and really have no clue what you are getting into.”

But friends, that’s the beauty of it. The beauty lies in the uncertainty. God has given me a wonderfully visible opportunity to completely and fully trust in Him and His provision to get me to Mexico to help those sweet orphans. Because to be honest, I can’t really afford it. I’m going to HAVE to rely on support from friends and family to pay for this. I’m going to have to put a hold on starting to save money for after college when I’m up to my ears in debt. But it is so worth it, and I have so much faith that God will provide.

I have faith because it’s not about me. It’s not about the money. It’s not about the fear. It’s not about the fun i’m sure i’ll have or anything. IT’S ALL ABOUT GLORIFYING GOD IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE. It’s about sharing His love with some of the neediest in the world. It’s about loving people in the way God loves us and instructs us to love others.

It’s about being uncomfortable.

I’m swimming in uncertainty, but I am content.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all ways acknowledge Him, and he will make your paths straight” -Proverbs 3:5-6.
God this one is yours. I know you will not fail me.

(untitled.)

Outstretched Hand
by Anthony Flora

Grey eyes and a dirty beard
hang down to holy sneakers and
cracked hands holding cardboard
that asks God's blessing on those who give to the poor.
Weathered flannels, stained yellow teeth
don't find much to chew -
an empty stomach nags
a worn soul.
Scabs blemish two arms
filled with used veins
that can't often run in a straight line
since it makes the night warmer,
the bench softer,
the memories a little foggier.

So can you spare some change he asks -
'cause the night is long...

You give and take away.

God is so good, and He has given me so much.

I have always tried my hardest to fully appreciate everything He has given me, but sometimes it takes God making you feel like He has stripped you of nearly all of the things you feel make you who you are to fully grasp and appreciate the true depths of His glory.

I'm not going to lie, God and I weren't very tight over Spring Break, and I really REALLY miss Him. I lived a week without thinking about Him all the time and without really thinking about what Jesus would do in situations I was put in...and let me tell you, it was extremely draining. I just really miss Him. I'm looking forward to getting back into the Word and getting lost in Him again and not taking anymore breaks from God. I need Him.

It's so amazing the wonderful things that God provides if you just give Him a chance. He has really shown me that He does give and take away, but it is all for His purpose. He's taken away a lot of great things, but I'm beginning to see and feel the GREATER things He is providing me with. It's definitely taken some time, but it was soo worth the wait. I'm really, really happy. I'm confident in the choices I have made thus far and feel like they are so God-driven. I feel like when I make decisions now, I'm listening to what God is trying to tell me. What an amazing and fulfilling feeling to be living life in this way! I'm just so unbelievably blessed.

I'm looking forward to singing with Cru again this week. Over the past few months, worshiping with the Cru band has been one of the most stable components of my life, as silly as that sounds. It has kept me grounded in Christ, and it has almost forced me [in an amazing way] to keep my focus on Him in the most genuine way possible. When I first joined Cru band, I was sort of nervous and just really didn't know what I was getting myself into. But looking back, it has been one of the best things that has happened to me. Plus, I love my band brothers! :) What amazing men of God they are and what a wonderful influence they have had on me!

Women's Min is starting soon, and I am so excited and nervous and pumped and joyful, etc. I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm just following what God has layed so heavily on my heart for so long now. I don't feel like I'm worthy to help lead such a potentially powerful and life-changing ministry, but I'm just listening and letting the Lord take this one. When God is the center, great things always happen, and I'm not losing faith in that.

Hope everyone's Spring Break was as relaxing as mine was!
Love,
Steph

A post from "The Journey"

I obsessively read a blog called "The Journey" by a woman named Katie who gave up all the comfort in her life in order to allow God's will to encompass her life. Upon reading her latest entry, I really connected with this part of her beautiful story, and I thought she wrote it better than I ever could.

"She tried not to wonder if anyone would ever love her like that again or how she would do this all alone.

And that’s when He reminded her that she wasn’t. That HE would make her feel beautiful as a single mom covered in dust and spit up. That He appreciated her even when everyone else forgot to say thank you. That He believed in her when the rest of the world thought everything she did was crazy. That He would cheer her on and pick her up when she just didn’t feel strong enough. That His voice whispering in her ear would turn those rough days right around. That He would ALWAYS be faithful. That His love would be unconditional. That He, her ONE TRUE LOVE would never leave or forsake her and would give her heart’s desires. That He would make all things new, ever her shattered heart."



All I can say is AMEN. God is soo good, soo faithful, MY EVERYTHING.

Love,
Steph


check out her blogs...seriously.
kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com

Hebrews 12

A wonderful friend of mind encouraged me to meditate on Hebrews 12: 1-3. I decided to check out The Message's version of these passages too to get a fuller understanding of it. I wanted to share it with everyone!

Hebrews 12:1-3 is from the NIV:

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition form sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart...

And to continue on with The Message in Hebrews 12: 4-13

"In this all-out match against sin, others have suffered far worse than you, to say nothing of what Jesus went through—all that bloodshed! So don't feel sorry for yourselves. Or have you forgotten how good parents treat children, and that God regards you as his children?

My dear child, don't shrug off God's discipline,
but don't be crushed by it either.
It's the child he loves that he disciplines;
the child he embraces, he also corrects.

God is educating you; that's why you must never drop out. He's treating you as dear children. This trouble you're in isn't punishment; it's training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God's training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God's holy best. At the time, discipline isn't much fun. It always feels like it's going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it's the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God. So don't sit around on your hands! No more dragging your feet! Clear the path for long-distance runners so no one will trip and fall, so no one will step in a hole and sprain an ankle. Help each other out. And run for it!"

Wow, I feel so convicted.

Verses 1-3 really speak to me. Especially the part that says "let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverence the race marked out for us." My goodness. I have certainly felt so weighed down not only by my sin but by the sins of others that I'm struggling to forgive. I feel like I've been carrying around these burdens which have inhibited me from running the race to my full potential. It's like I've been trying so hard to run at a full out sprint, but instead I'm stuck speed walking with a blindfold on. The image of throwing off everything that hinders us is just so magnificent to me. I want to do that - I'm trying to do that now. I want to break free from the burden that I have been carrying and run with perseverance in the race that God has marked out for me. Because He has. He has a unique race set out in a purposeful, direct course for ME! All for me!! And all I have to do is trust that His path is the one that is best for me to run ALL the time.

The passage goes on to tell us to "fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith." Holy cow. This verse so forces me to ask myself, "What am I focusing my eyes on?" Am I focusing my eyes on Jesus? Or am I focusing my eyes on the hurt that I feel? Or the need for attention from people of the opposite sex? Or Facebook? or Schoolwork? or Friends? The list could go on forever. But it says here in plain words that Jesus was the author and perfecter of our faith. He is PERFECT, and the example of how He lived His life is right there in the Bible for us to follow. But why is it so darn hard for us to fix our eyes on Jesus and only Him?

For me, I find myself doing something and thinking, "Oh, it's no big deal. It's not hurting anyone. I feel better because of it" or "It keeps me busy". But what the crap kind of reasoning is that? Just because something makes me feel better or keeps me busy or doesn't hurt someone else doesn't mean it's right and doesn't mean it isn't taking my focus away from the Lord. Because honestly, even though I think it's not hurting anyone, it's really hurting the most important relationship in my life - the one with the Lord. I'm really working to try to define exactly where my focus is so that I can refocus my eyes on Jesus and only Jesus.

Hebrews 12:4-11 is a stinkin' slap in the face to me, and I feel soo convincted. I'm not going to lie, for the past few months, I am guilty of feeling sorry for myself. But it says right here in so many words, DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF, STEPH. THERE ARE A BAGILLION OTHER PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO HAVE IT WAY WORSE, INCLUDING JESUS WHO DIED SO THAT YOU CAN LIVE AND LIVE TO THE FULLEST. What a jerk I've been? Yeah, sometimes things that happen in our lives hurt really bad and make us wonder why it had to happen to us. But like it says in The Message, God uses these tough times that we go through in order to train us and discipline us for the race. He knows that it's going to be tough; He knows that it is going to be a trying time for us. But He also knows that in the end IT WILL PAY OFF. A friend of mine, Alicia, said [much more eloquently than I will be able to write it] that God wouldn't demand something great from us in order to only provide us with something lesser in the future. No way. God will demand something great from us now in order to provide something greater than we can ever imagine in the future. I'm so comforted by those words. Sometimes we must sacrifice the most important things to us, but God will ultimately provide something so much more worthwhile in the future.

Hebrews 12 is just awesome. I want to encourage you to read it and meditate on it. God reveals the coolest things if only you take time to listen.

Perfect Romance.

I've been so blind, so terribly blind.

It's been such a weird few months in my life. I have felt so...defeated. It's the only word that comes to mind. Just defeated. I feel the Holy Spirit moving around me, and I feel like in light of many recent circumstances I've grown leaps and bounds in my relationship with the Lord.

But still I feel like I'm running, screaming out His name, calling to Him to catch me when I feel like I'm falling so hard. And in so many ways, I feel like God is so far away.

Recently in a conversation with a good friend of mine, I've realized how undeniably mistaken I've been to assert that God is the one that is far away. God isn't far away at all; It's me whose been closing my eyes but still expecting to see Him radically changing me.

We aren't the ones running after God at all, but instead HE is pursuing us. He's romancing us in a way a man romances a woman. He desires more than anything to be in a relationship with us. And when we feel that God is no where to be seen or felt, it's because we aren't looking right in front of us. We've closed our eyes and hid our head under the pillow, but still expected to be able to see what is going on around us. And I've been aimlessly wandering around looking for the God who has been standing in the same place all along.

Sometimes I feel like it takes an amazing talk with a friend or a beautiful story about an orphanage in Mexico or an encouraging story about how God is working in someone else's life for me to lift my hands to the Lord and give Him thanks, but that can't be enough. God isn't JUST in the amazing things where we can so blatantly see His work. He's in everything; He's in the Brooke Fraser song playing on my stereo right now, He's in the yummy smelling candle right next to me. He's in EVERYTHING. And I want to live a life that appreciates Him and all He provides me with.

And it's so up to us to recognize His pursuit.

But when things don't go the way you've planned, when your heart gets broken, when life takes an unexpected twist, it's hard not to want to close your eyes sometimes. It's hard to always see beauty in everything around you when continually feel a cloud of darkness following you around. But this, I've learned, is the time when I must reach out to Him the most.

David asks God in Psalm 17: 8 to "keep me as the apple of your eye," and I absolutely love this wording. It brings so much comfort to me to know that I, Stephanie Ann Bradley, am the apple of God's eye. How freaking amazing is that? God is romancing us everyday and just loving on us the most perfect way possible ALL THE TIME.

God is always there. He is always pursuing us and romancing us. But it's up to us to open our eyes and praise Him in everything in this life.

And He's the only thing we've got that is immovable, unshakeable, and perfectly reliable.

I, the Lord, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness. Isaiah 42:6-7

I love you guys.
Steph