Jesus, Pour Out Your Spirit on Me.

One of the first Sundays back to school in September, Kris and I went to Exodus church as we do most Sundays. The pastor, as he usually does, asked us to repeat after him some key phrase that was critical to his sermon, necessitating audience participation. I followed along, repeating the phrase and letting the words slip off my tongue rather carelessly, ignorant of the effects of the words I was uttering.

"Jesus, pour out Your spirit on me."

Over the next few weeks, we uttered these words throughout the church services and were encouraged to repeat these words throughout the days and weeks to come, replacing "me" with family and friends, coworkers, our enemies, local churches, civic leaders, etc.

What I presumed to be careless utterances turned into Truths that would come alive over the next few months as Jesus lead me to a journey of radical growth and transformation. Jesus would come to pour out His spirit on me, but certainly in ways that were entirely unexpected.

Let me explain...

On Wednesday, September 29, 2011, I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease, a disease that effects your GI tract, causing inflammation and various other problems. The symptoms vary from person to person. I have inflammation particularly in my colon (also called colitis) and my illeum, which is where the large and small intestines connect (to learn more check out the wikipedia page). My Crohn's disease is pretty mild, and flares up largely in response to stress. I've decided to go gluten-free, and when I'm having problems in particular, I eat very mild foods such as rice, fruits, plain chicken, potatoes, eggs, etc. In addition, I've recently been told that I have mytral and tricuspid regurgitation in my heart as well as recent boughts of tachycardia and shortness of breath. I've had a bacteria in my stomach that has been treated twice with anti-biotics over a period of 3 months and doesn't seem to want to go away. This particular bacteria causes me to constantly feel tired, weak, sick, bloated, nauseous, etc. And if it's not treated, can become life-threatening over time (although I'm totally fine because I'm being monitored!) And in case that wasn't enough for you all, I'm fighting a sinus infection and found a dime-sized lump on the left side of my chest (ended up being nothing! YAY!).

Oh, and my truck broke down...twice.

The last few months have been anything but easy. Moments of rest are cherished, 'good poops' are rejoiced upon, and the feeling of fullness is typically fleeting as my new diet abruptly stole most of the things I once loved to eat (namely Chalupas). My body doesn't always feel good, in fact, most of the time I feel pretty terrible. My heart beats too fast. My stomach hurts way too often. I have to go to the bathroom at least 5x more than the average person. I take 13 pills a day (it was 18 when I was on my anti-biotic). I've been to the ER twice, the hospital 3 times and to countless doctors appointments. I've missed upwards of 20-25 classes this semester. Missed two tests, a duty, 3 office duties, and multiple days of work. I've had tens of thousands of dollars in medical bills, food bills, and prescriptions, lab work, procedures, you name it, I've probably had it. Colonoscopy, endoscopy, heart echo, 2 EKG's, ultra sound, 24-hr holter monitor, at least 7 sets of blood work, 1 IV (will be 2 after the endoscopy). I think I could fill this entire blog with the happenings of this past semester of my life.

There are many times when I would just cry because I wasn't sure what else to do. I would call Kris at 1am, crying because I thought I was going to fail both my test and presentation the next day (ended up with a 98 on the test and a 90 on the presentation -- to Him be the Glory). I would cry because I was happy, scared, sad, burdened, overwhelmed, stressed. Someone would ask me how my day was or how I was feeling and I would fight through tears with a quick 'not well'. Friends and family would tell me how strong I was, but the truth is, I felt entirely weak. My pride caught up with me and broke me down. My scheduled plans erupted. And I was left crying out to Jesus for some serious, real help.

I say all of these things not to complain but in Truth. However, I also must say that these past few months have been incredibly JOYFUL.

My boyfriend has been so incredibly supportive. He's put areas of his life on hold in order to devote his time and effort to doing whatever he can to make my life easier during this time. He has loved me a supported me in ways that I didn't even know I needed support, and I can't thank him enough. And his mommy makes me delicious, home-cooked meals that I can eat, and sends me cookies. My family has been at every doctors appointment, every procedure, seen almost every poke and prod, and pooled their resources to keep me eating healthy and getting the medicine I need. I'm so blessed by them and their unconditional, supportive, empathetic love for me.

I've realized over the past few months that I don't deserve good health.

In fact, I don't deserve easy.

I don't deserve food, or medicine, or medical care, or incredible support systems, or life.

In reality, I deserve death because I am (like all people) an incredibly sinful person (Romans 6:23).

God sent His son Jesus to die a brutal, painful death on a cross as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. And because of His death, I am alive and well. I am able to give and receive love and support and medicine and all these wonderfully special gifts that He has provided me with.

I may not be able to eat EVERYTHING I want, but I have food in abundance. I have the resources to get the medical attention and prescriptions I need. I have people that love me. I have bosses and professors that are understanding and empathetic. I may be sick but I am ALIVE.

My most consistent and relentless prayer is that my situation, my struggles will be used to glorify the Lord (1 Corinthians 10:13). That through easy times and hard times, Glory can be brought to His name, and Truth can be shared.

And it is in these times of strife that the Lord presents Himself most clearly to us. He has shown me that He will bring me to, into, through and out of each and every battle in my life, and use it ALL for His good. He will not abandon me or forsake me, and when I cry out to Him or even utter words carelessly, HE ALWAYS HEARS ME.

I've learned that the Lord does, in fact, give you more than you can handle. Not because He is cruel, but so that we MUST rely on His omnipotence and sovereignty. In our weakness, His strength shines so fervently (2 Corinthians 12:19).

Thank you all for your love and support during this time in my life. Sometimes it feels as though it is never-ending, but I KNOW the Lord is good, and that He will give me peace and calm in due time.

So for now, I pray with full intention and without reserve...

"Jesus, pour out Your spirit on me."


1 Corinthians 2:6-16 [Wisdom from the Spirit]
Romans 8:26-27
2 Corinthians 1:3-11 [The God of All Comfort]
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Philippians 4:11-13 [Contentment in all situations]
John 3:16-17 [Gospel Truth]

Cancer.

I have always been amazed by the fact that something so beautifully and intricately designed as a human can be capable of producing something so horribly destructive. It destroys cells. Moves to organs. Then to entire bodies. To lives. To families. To communities. To dreams.

I decided to look up the definition of cancer in the dictionary, and this is what I found... "any evil condition or thing that spreads destructively".

Cancer. Evil. Destructive.

Cancer has taken the life of some of the closest people in my life -- death is a huge part of my life. It is a part of my story that can never be erased.

And on this bright and sunny Tuesday, two people that I know have been diagnosed with this dark, ugly disease.

There are times in our lives when we can't help but fall to our knees and question the certainty of the Lord's plans. It's hard to imagine that anyone should have to suffer from such a ferocious monster with a microscopic origin. It's impossible to fathom how suffering and death can be a perfect part of His good and glorious plan. I've found myself time and time again crying out in desperation to the Lord, wondering how cancer could ever make sense.

"The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." Isaiah 58:11.


"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are you ways my ways,' declares the Lord. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than you thoughts.'" Isaiah 55:8-9.

The ways of the Lord may not make sense, but we can rest in the truth that He uses all situations for the advancement of His kingdom. We have to trust in that. The Lord is all-knowing, all-good, all-loving -- we will never be able to understand His plans, but we can have confidence in the truth that His plans are so much better than ours.

And it is in these moments of darkness that the Lord's strength shines so fervently.

While we may feel the world caving in on us, we must not lose hope -- we must never lose hope. Because Jesus Christ died and rose again so that we may have hope in the future and confidence in the eternal.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18.

Yo tengo tanto para agradecer.

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 4:8-11.

These words buzzed through my mind all week long, and it's no coincidence that God chose 1 Peter for me to read during my three hour layover in the bustling Dallas/Fort Worth Airport as I waited to board the plane to Monterrey, Mexico. The truth and power in these words fueled the strength that I maintained throughout one of the most physically and emotionally challenging weeks I have ever experienced.

Throughout my week in Mexico, God's presence was overwhelming. I went into the week on my own, without the slightest hint of an expectation, and with an open mind and a prayer that God would use whatever gifts He has given me to faithfully serve others in a way that would meet their needs in every way possible.

We began the week by doing a lot of cement work at both Casa Hogar Douglas and Casa Hogar Del Norte, two orphanages in Monterrey. Let me tell you, never in my life did I think I would be helping to mix and pour cement or shovel gravel into a mixer for three hours straight! We were able to help make both homes safer for the children and able to withstand various weather situations. Later in the week, we painted the room where all the boys sleep at CHD, making it feel more like home for the boys. Because Hurricane Alex swept through the area in early July, the paint on the walls was severely chipped. We also were able to take the Casa Hogar Del Norte kiddos on a field trip to a place called Kidzania, which was an absolute treat for them. It was so fun to see the joy on their faces when we told them we were going to Kidzania!

In a typical day, we would wake up around 8am and eat breakfast together. Then we would break off and have a half hour of quiet time followed by a half hour of small group time. After small groups, we would work for several hours at one of the twelve orphanages that Back2Back Ministries serves in Monterrey, helping to meet whatever need the orphanage had such as painting or cementing. We would pack our lunch and eat it at the home, and then we would have two or three hours to spend time playing and interacting with the children, which was definitely my favorite part of the day. Around dinner, we would head back to the Back2Back campus and eat some of Vita's delicious authentic Mexican cooking (which is a lot more bland than American-Mexican food!). And then at 8pm every night we would head over to the "Big Palapa" and have a time of worship and a teaching from a staff member. Beth Guckenberger, the founder of Back2Back, spoke three times that week, which was such a blessing! She is such an inspiration to me.

Going into the week, I was under the impression that the language barrier was going to create a roadblock in communicating with the children. And after five years of Spanish, immersing myself in the culture proved to reveal how terrible my Spanish really is. Luckily though my Spanish began to sharpen, and by the end of the week I was actually translating for those in my group who knew very little Spanish. But throughout the week I learned that actions truly do speak louder than words and that the language barrier was broken down by the truth that we are all human. And that unconditional, blind, selfless love is the same in every language.

The most incredible experience of the trip was when we went to a place Back2Back calls "Rio III", a squatter village along the river on the East side of Monterrey. Rio III is an area of extreme poverty and an area that was vastly devastated by Hurricane Alex. It's nearly impossible to describe the depth of poverty at Rio III; there is extreme, heart breaking poverty in the United States, but none so barren as Rio III. Full families live in houses smaller than my tiny bedroom at home and were built with whatever resources they could find. Their only mode of transportation was malnourished horses pulling along rickety carriages, and the men would go out during the day in search of materials to utilize to create a shelter for their families. We were able to serve the women and children lunch at the church in the center of the village that serves as a sort of community center.

At Rio III, I met a little girl name Estefani that was attached to my hip the entire day. Estefani is 11 years old and lives in the village with her family. She loved that we have the same name and also loved my big sunglasses. They are on her head in most of the pictures I have with her, and I ended up giving them to her when we had to leave. It's amazing what a pair of sunglasses can do for a little girl. I take so much for granted.

I think one of the hardest things I learned this week was how much I really limit God. I tell myself that I can't do something or that I deserve this or that. But when we limit God, putting Him in a box as a result of our ignorant feelings of entitlement or inability, our hearts become hardened. And when He chooses to take us on a detour that seems completely ludicrous compared to the plans that we have crafted for ourselves, we see them as roadblocks instead of opportunities. But when we choose to trust the Lord completely with our lives, to stop limiting Him and allow Him to use us to serve those in need, He does incredible things. And He allows us to do incredible things for others.

There were moments throughout my experience when I didn't know how much longer I could make it, when my arms and back hurt so much from shoveling gravel for three hours or when I played the counting game with Blanca for the 50th time, that I remembered that verse from 1 Peter. The Lord tells us to serve others with the strength that He provides us with. It was the strength from Him that helped me live fearlessly and fully that week, pushing myself farther than I could ever have without His help. And in my weakness, His strength shines so fervently.

I believe that God has His hand in everything we do, in every action we choose to take, but I think there are few times in our daily lives that we can look back on an experience and see God so evidently throughout every step of the way. My trip to Mexico proved to be an experience crafted solely by the Lord and one that radically changed my heart, providing me with a new view of the world and of God's incredible character.

I have so much to be thankful for.
Yo tengo tanto para agradecer.

Make straight the paths that crookedly lie, oh Lord, before these feet of mine.

I am trying to understand how to walk this weary land.
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie, oh Lord, before these feet of mine. When my world is shaking, Heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I'll never leave Your hands.

The song "Your Hands" by JJ Heller has really reached into the depths of my soul and so beautifully extracted the exact words that have been in my heart for the past year of my life.

I am at a place in my life where the future is rapidly unfolding before me in an overwhelming way. I am making decisions that are affecting the rest of my life, determining relationships that are worth keeping, but also solidifying the values that I hold dear. I am learning that there are times in our lives where we must shed relationships that are toxic to us - the relationships that steal life from us and break us down in ways that leave us a little less free. There are times when no matter how painful letting go of a relationship may be, we must enter into that pain and face it head on while also basking in the loneliness that we all so deeply fear.

Why do we fear loneliness? There's a place in a lot of us that fills up our schedules to the brim to escape any glimmer of loneliness until our stress surges so deeply that we become hardened to the world or an emotional basket case [either one!]. We have a breakdown, we prune our schedules, we decide that we can take on more, and then the process begins all over again.

I'm taking this time in my life to just stop. To sit on the morning bench with the Lord. To bask in the frightening loneliness. To work through the hardships in my life and let them continue to mold my character.

I think we are afraid of loneliness because it is so encapsulating. We allow loneliness to take over our whole being. We lose control and give in to the power we falsely believe it has over us. We let it creep in and slowly take control of every aspect of our lives until we can't stop it. We fear loneliness because we are told that it is an equivalent of weakness. We fear loneliness because the Christian community tells us that if we feel lonely, then there is something terribly wrong with our relationship with Christ.

I have felt terribly lonely over these past six months. I've lost several relationships that once defined who I was. I'm learning that I must define myself by the One who is perpetual, by He who provides me with unconditional, everlasting, true love. Not the fleeting love I want to feel.

I've learned that it's ok to feel lonely. We must take that time to run to the Lord head on with everything we have, even when it feels like a hopeless and daunting task. It is in the moments of loneliness that the Lord so profoundly shapes our character and our relationship with Him, even if we don't feel like any change is happening. Loneliness is not weakness, however you must expose and confront the feeling of loneliness before it takes control of your whole self. And loneliness is not always the mark of a broken relationship with the Lord but rather an opportunity to bask in the fullness of His enduring love that will never abandon or forsake us.

I'm at a really interesting place in life right now. I'm learning what it means to be a true sister in Christ, and let me tell you it's not an easy task to learn. It's painful, lonely, and frightening, but it has been such an overwhelming experience of growth for me. I think I can safely assert that I have never really known what true friendship looks or feels like. I've had a bagillion "best friends", but I have let go of a majority of those relationships. I've always felt like that person that has given so much of myself to a friendship, nearly identified myself by them, and never truly felt the same support and love that I value and work to achieve in return. But I'm realizing that not only was I wrong, but that I'm learning what true, Christ-centered friendship with women is like, and it has been something that I didn't know I was truly searching for until I found it. I think Christian women put up a wall of fake vulnerability. We reveal struggles to each other that we know will be accepted by the Christian community and met with a "Oh hunny, I've been through that. Pray about it, and God will change your heart." It's not good enough. I've made it a goal of mine to break through those false barriers and be uncomfortably real with those around me. I'm not telling you that you should go spill your guts to whoever is closest to you and just automatically trust that they won't tell the whole world. It is important to check your motives behind sharing with others. But what I am saying is that when we can be genuinely vulnerable with each other, our friendships will be so much deeper, so much more fulfilling, and so much more glorifying to God.

And praise God for providing these genuine friendships in my life.

I'm learning that there are some relationships that you must let go. We are human, we are not meant to be stifled but to live. We must allow ourselves to bask in the loneliness and move on to bigger and better things, allowing God to move and work in our lives even when we don't see or feel Him there with us.

We will never leave His hands.

the beauty lies in the uncertainty.

Well, I’ve been praying for God to move mountains friends, and it looks like He may do just that. God has this funny way of continually putting me in my place, gracefully humbling me in a way that leaves me simply….in awe. I’ve had an overwhelming passion in my heart since Beth Guckenberger came and spoke at Cru early last fall, and it hasn’t left my heart since then. I’ve felt unsettled, shaken, and entirely broken for orphans all over the world, and the desire to let them know how much they are loved by God has taken over my heart. I attempted to contact Beth and her husband through Back2Back ministries in January, hoping but not expecting the Lord to move in the hearts of the ministry and just simply share my own heart with them. The first response I received was positive, stating that they hoped they could get me in, but would email me back within a month with a more definitive idea of availability. I waited, and waited, and waited, and finally got impatient enough to email them back myself. And I received a reply stating that it was a very good chance that there wouldn’t be enough room for me.

At this point, I wrote off going to Mexico for this summer, and I began thinking of ways that I could make it there in the future. I also decided to spend a large portion of my money going to Anna Maria Island in Florida with 8 other RAs for Spring Break. Now let me explain that I wasn’t planning on going to Florida because I wanted to save up my money to take the trip to Mexico. So three weeks before Spring Break was to arrive, I found out I wasn’t going to Mexico, and with much deliberation and frustration but ultimate satisfaction in my decision, I decided to spend spring break with 8 great friends.

Its funny, you know? I’m a planner. I thrive off of getting myself in order and purposefully planning out life. I try to plan out all the big things with careful consideration and preparation. But God likes to put up barriers in my life and thrust me into entirely new directions. And like He did with Cru band and RA stuff, God decided to tell me no, let me go on spring break, and then say, “Oh Steph, I was just kidding! I want you to go to Mexico this summer even though you don’t have enough money for it and really have no clue what you are getting into.”

But friends, that’s the beauty of it. The beauty lies in the uncertainty. God has given me a wonderfully visible opportunity to completely and fully trust in Him and His provision to get me to Mexico to help those sweet orphans. Because to be honest, I can’t really afford it. I’m going to HAVE to rely on support from friends and family to pay for this. I’m going to have to put a hold on starting to save money for after college when I’m up to my ears in debt. But it is so worth it, and I have so much faith that God will provide.

I have faith because it’s not about me. It’s not about the money. It’s not about the fear. It’s not about the fun i’m sure i’ll have or anything. IT’S ALL ABOUT GLORIFYING GOD IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE. It’s about sharing His love with some of the neediest in the world. It’s about loving people in the way God loves us and instructs us to love others.

It’s about being uncomfortable.

I’m swimming in uncertainty, but I am content.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all ways acknowledge Him, and he will make your paths straight” -Proverbs 3:5-6.
God this one is yours. I know you will not fail me.

(untitled.)

Outstretched Hand
by Anthony Flora

Grey eyes and a dirty beard
hang down to holy sneakers and
cracked hands holding cardboard
that asks God's blessing on those who give to the poor.
Weathered flannels, stained yellow teeth
don't find much to chew -
an empty stomach nags
a worn soul.
Scabs blemish two arms
filled with used veins
that can't often run in a straight line
since it makes the night warmer,
the bench softer,
the memories a little foggier.

So can you spare some change he asks -
'cause the night is long...

You give and take away.

God is so good, and He has given me so much.

I have always tried my hardest to fully appreciate everything He has given me, but sometimes it takes God making you feel like He has stripped you of nearly all of the things you feel make you who you are to fully grasp and appreciate the true depths of His glory.

I'm not going to lie, God and I weren't very tight over Spring Break, and I really REALLY miss Him. I lived a week without thinking about Him all the time and without really thinking about what Jesus would do in situations I was put in...and let me tell you, it was extremely draining. I just really miss Him. I'm looking forward to getting back into the Word and getting lost in Him again and not taking anymore breaks from God. I need Him.

It's so amazing the wonderful things that God provides if you just give Him a chance. He has really shown me that He does give and take away, but it is all for His purpose. He's taken away a lot of great things, but I'm beginning to see and feel the GREATER things He is providing me with. It's definitely taken some time, but it was soo worth the wait. I'm really, really happy. I'm confident in the choices I have made thus far and feel like they are so God-driven. I feel like when I make decisions now, I'm listening to what God is trying to tell me. What an amazing and fulfilling feeling to be living life in this way! I'm just so unbelievably blessed.

I'm looking forward to singing with Cru again this week. Over the past few months, worshiping with the Cru band has been one of the most stable components of my life, as silly as that sounds. It has kept me grounded in Christ, and it has almost forced me [in an amazing way] to keep my focus on Him in the most genuine way possible. When I first joined Cru band, I was sort of nervous and just really didn't know what I was getting myself into. But looking back, it has been one of the best things that has happened to me. Plus, I love my band brothers! :) What amazing men of God they are and what a wonderful influence they have had on me!

Women's Min is starting soon, and I am so excited and nervous and pumped and joyful, etc. I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm just following what God has layed so heavily on my heart for so long now. I don't feel like I'm worthy to help lead such a potentially powerful and life-changing ministry, but I'm just listening and letting the Lord take this one. When God is the center, great things always happen, and I'm not losing faith in that.

Hope everyone's Spring Break was as relaxing as mine was!
Love,
Steph

A post from "The Journey"

I obsessively read a blog called "The Journey" by a woman named Katie who gave up all the comfort in her life in order to allow God's will to encompass her life. Upon reading her latest entry, I really connected with this part of her beautiful story, and I thought she wrote it better than I ever could.

"She tried not to wonder if anyone would ever love her like that again or how she would do this all alone.

And that’s when He reminded her that she wasn’t. That HE would make her feel beautiful as a single mom covered in dust and spit up. That He appreciated her even when everyone else forgot to say thank you. That He believed in her when the rest of the world thought everything she did was crazy. That He would cheer her on and pick her up when she just didn’t feel strong enough. That His voice whispering in her ear would turn those rough days right around. That He would ALWAYS be faithful. That His love would be unconditional. That He, her ONE TRUE LOVE would never leave or forsake her and would give her heart’s desires. That He would make all things new, ever her shattered heart."



All I can say is AMEN. God is soo good, soo faithful, MY EVERYTHING.

Love,
Steph


check out her blogs...seriously.
kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com

Hebrews 12

A wonderful friend of mind encouraged me to meditate on Hebrews 12: 1-3. I decided to check out The Message's version of these passages too to get a fuller understanding of it. I wanted to share it with everyone!

Hebrews 12:1-3 is from the NIV:

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition form sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart...

And to continue on with The Message in Hebrews 12: 4-13

"In this all-out match against sin, others have suffered far worse than you, to say nothing of what Jesus went through—all that bloodshed! So don't feel sorry for yourselves. Or have you forgotten how good parents treat children, and that God regards you as his children?

My dear child, don't shrug off God's discipline,
but don't be crushed by it either.
It's the child he loves that he disciplines;
the child he embraces, he also corrects.

God is educating you; that's why you must never drop out. He's treating you as dear children. This trouble you're in isn't punishment; it's training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God's training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God's holy best. At the time, discipline isn't much fun. It always feels like it's going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it's the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God. So don't sit around on your hands! No more dragging your feet! Clear the path for long-distance runners so no one will trip and fall, so no one will step in a hole and sprain an ankle. Help each other out. And run for it!"

Wow, I feel so convicted.

Verses 1-3 really speak to me. Especially the part that says "let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverence the race marked out for us." My goodness. I have certainly felt so weighed down not only by my sin but by the sins of others that I'm struggling to forgive. I feel like I've been carrying around these burdens which have inhibited me from running the race to my full potential. It's like I've been trying so hard to run at a full out sprint, but instead I'm stuck speed walking with a blindfold on. The image of throwing off everything that hinders us is just so magnificent to me. I want to do that - I'm trying to do that now. I want to break free from the burden that I have been carrying and run with perseverance in the race that God has marked out for me. Because He has. He has a unique race set out in a purposeful, direct course for ME! All for me!! And all I have to do is trust that His path is the one that is best for me to run ALL the time.

The passage goes on to tell us to "fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith." Holy cow. This verse so forces me to ask myself, "What am I focusing my eyes on?" Am I focusing my eyes on Jesus? Or am I focusing my eyes on the hurt that I feel? Or the need for attention from people of the opposite sex? Or Facebook? or Schoolwork? or Friends? The list could go on forever. But it says here in plain words that Jesus was the author and perfecter of our faith. He is PERFECT, and the example of how He lived His life is right there in the Bible for us to follow. But why is it so darn hard for us to fix our eyes on Jesus and only Him?

For me, I find myself doing something and thinking, "Oh, it's no big deal. It's not hurting anyone. I feel better because of it" or "It keeps me busy". But what the crap kind of reasoning is that? Just because something makes me feel better or keeps me busy or doesn't hurt someone else doesn't mean it's right and doesn't mean it isn't taking my focus away from the Lord. Because honestly, even though I think it's not hurting anyone, it's really hurting the most important relationship in my life - the one with the Lord. I'm really working to try to define exactly where my focus is so that I can refocus my eyes on Jesus and only Jesus.

Hebrews 12:4-11 is a stinkin' slap in the face to me, and I feel soo convincted. I'm not going to lie, for the past few months, I am guilty of feeling sorry for myself. But it says right here in so many words, DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF, STEPH. THERE ARE A BAGILLION OTHER PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO HAVE IT WAY WORSE, INCLUDING JESUS WHO DIED SO THAT YOU CAN LIVE AND LIVE TO THE FULLEST. What a jerk I've been? Yeah, sometimes things that happen in our lives hurt really bad and make us wonder why it had to happen to us. But like it says in The Message, God uses these tough times that we go through in order to train us and discipline us for the race. He knows that it's going to be tough; He knows that it is going to be a trying time for us. But He also knows that in the end IT WILL PAY OFF. A friend of mine, Alicia, said [much more eloquently than I will be able to write it] that God wouldn't demand something great from us in order to only provide us with something lesser in the future. No way. God will demand something great from us now in order to provide something greater than we can ever imagine in the future. I'm so comforted by those words. Sometimes we must sacrifice the most important things to us, but God will ultimately provide something so much more worthwhile in the future.

Hebrews 12 is just awesome. I want to encourage you to read it and meditate on it. God reveals the coolest things if only you take time to listen.

Perfect Romance.

I've been so blind, so terribly blind.

It's been such a weird few months in my life. I have felt so...defeated. It's the only word that comes to mind. Just defeated. I feel the Holy Spirit moving around me, and I feel like in light of many recent circumstances I've grown leaps and bounds in my relationship with the Lord.

But still I feel like I'm running, screaming out His name, calling to Him to catch me when I feel like I'm falling so hard. And in so many ways, I feel like God is so far away.

Recently in a conversation with a good friend of mine, I've realized how undeniably mistaken I've been to assert that God is the one that is far away. God isn't far away at all; It's me whose been closing my eyes but still expecting to see Him radically changing me.

We aren't the ones running after God at all, but instead HE is pursuing us. He's romancing us in a way a man romances a woman. He desires more than anything to be in a relationship with us. And when we feel that God is no where to be seen or felt, it's because we aren't looking right in front of us. We've closed our eyes and hid our head under the pillow, but still expected to be able to see what is going on around us. And I've been aimlessly wandering around looking for the God who has been standing in the same place all along.

Sometimes I feel like it takes an amazing talk with a friend or a beautiful story about an orphanage in Mexico or an encouraging story about how God is working in someone else's life for me to lift my hands to the Lord and give Him thanks, but that can't be enough. God isn't JUST in the amazing things where we can so blatantly see His work. He's in everything; He's in the Brooke Fraser song playing on my stereo right now, He's in the yummy smelling candle right next to me. He's in EVERYTHING. And I want to live a life that appreciates Him and all He provides me with.

And it's so up to us to recognize His pursuit.

But when things don't go the way you've planned, when your heart gets broken, when life takes an unexpected twist, it's hard not to want to close your eyes sometimes. It's hard to always see beauty in everything around you when continually feel a cloud of darkness following you around. But this, I've learned, is the time when I must reach out to Him the most.

David asks God in Psalm 17: 8 to "keep me as the apple of your eye," and I absolutely love this wording. It brings so much comfort to me to know that I, Stephanie Ann Bradley, am the apple of God's eye. How freaking amazing is that? God is romancing us everyday and just loving on us the most perfect way possible ALL THE TIME.

God is always there. He is always pursuing us and romancing us. But it's up to us to open our eyes and praise Him in everything in this life.

And He's the only thing we've got that is immovable, unshakeable, and perfectly reliable.

I, the Lord, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness. Isaiah 42:6-7

I love you guys.
Steph

Use me, Lord.

What an interesting and trying past couple months it has been. And i'm nowhere near being all put back into place - but probably more broken than I was the last time I wrote.

I'm just going to be blunt here. I am going to do missions work with orphans in the near future. I don't know what that looks like nor how i'm ever going to pay for it. I don't know how I can even make an impact there. But after Sunday night, I have just felt this tug on my heart saying, "Steph, you are meant to do missions work outside of home. You are meant for sharing love with little ones and their broken families." I've been blessed with a wonderful and loving family, and I must share the love of God that I feel with these precious little children who have never felt the support of a family. I want to just love on them and play with them and rejoice in the Lord with them. And let me just tell you, I know this came from the Lord because I have no idea where else it came from. And the message is just screaming in my face.

I've also been thinking that some sort of work with poverty-striken single mothers around my age would be really awesome and that I could make a difference in that area. I don't exactly know what that means, but I think I could help to give those women back a bit of empowerment and confidence to make change in this world [with the help of God of course!]

I've been looking up some places to go - throwing around summer projects, ECC affiliated missionaries, etc. I don't know where God is taking me with this. I don't know if it will even ever work out. I don't know why it's been placed so heavily on my heart, but when I got to thinking about it, doing missions work this summer would work out absolutely perfectly. See, I've been really torn as to what my plans for this summer are going to be. I've thought about staying in Btown and working all summer, maybe grabbing two jobs and sub-leasing an apartment. I've thought about being a summer RA and taking a class or two. I've thought about going home and picking up another job along with my job at Victoria's Secret. But none of these things have really felt right. The only thing that feels right is bringing missions work into the equation.

I might just look around myself and take a leap of faith in moving somewhere over the summer and just seeing where I can be used. It would be scary, but I think it would be so worth it.

I'm so broken. Since the summer, God has been slowly breaking me in an effort to shuffle the pieces around a bit and put them back together in a way that will glorify Him. IT SUCKS and it hurts, but I know it's right. And thank you God for that.

Please pray for me. I don't generally ask for prayers, but I really need them right now.

Love you guys! :)

Hoo-Hoo-Hoo-Hoosiers!

Here's a picture of all of the '09-'10 RA's at Indiana University! I'm in the first row, third person from the right! :)

The African Children's Choir

I appreciate music - I feel the most connected to God through it, and have devoted much of my life to creating it.

And this morning at Pathway, I experienced a miracle. That miracle is called the African Children's Choir.

Let me fill you in on what this choir is all about...

The African Children's Choir was founded in 1984 admist a bloody civil war in Uganda by Ray Barnett, a human right's activist committed to aiding children growing up in poverty within Africa. Ray was blessed with the idea to create a choir for children between 8-12 years old in efforts to get them off the streets and gaining knowledge to survive in the world. Most of these children have lost one or even both of their parents and live in extreme poverty. This choir has given these children a chance to be a part of something bigger than Africa, something that unites us all as human - God.

I cried throughout the whole concert; I just couldn't help myself. I felt such a connection to these children from Africa. They are just small children and have struggled through so much more than most of us ever will in a lifetime, but they still have the will to sing their hearts out for our Lord and to give thanks to Him. These kids are awesome. What an inspiration!

One of the most beautiful parts of the morning was listening to a little Caucasian girl sitting next to me sing along with the African children. What a beautiful juxtaposition and what a testament to the connectedness of humanity.

My heart was filled with an overwhleming joy this morning, and I was truly happy. It was a life-changing moment for me, and I just feel like I'm off to a fresh new start.

Please, if you get the chance, visit http://www.africanchildrenschoir.com/ and check out what they're about. Youtube them and listen to some of their stuff. It's so great.

God Bless you all.
Love,
Steph

I Love You, Sometimes.

This summer has been packed full of lessons of unconditional love, and I finally understand what it truly feels like to love someone unconditionally.

It's an unavoidable fact that everyone we know is going to let us down in some way or another, big or small. And by the same token, I'm sure I have and will let down many people in my life. It's a fact of life, but it's so hard to deal with.

How does God do it?

God is let down every second by you, me and every single other person on this planet. He is disappointed when we choose to love worldly things more than we love Him or turn away from His goodness, etc.

Are you kidding me? Me being disappointed in one silly instance by one silly person seems so ridiculous and irrelevant when you step back and look at the big picture.

We sin all the time, let down God by the second, but He still says, "Hey, it's ok. I still love you no matter what." And then we do the next stupid thing and you know what He says? "Hey, it's ok. I still love you no matter what." And I bet you can guess what he said the other 8 bagillion times we screw up? Yep, you guessed it!

What a testament to unconditional love, God!

But why isn't it that easy for me?

I feel like sometimes I have troubles forgiving, and, more than that, FORGETTING. I know they say a wise person forgives but never forgets [or something like that] but I'm pretty sure those two go hand in hand. How can you say that you fully forgive someone if you are still dwelling upon the issue? And how are you still loving a person unconditionally if that issue is constantly being held over their head? And that's not fair.

God instructs us in Ephesians 5:1-2 [my absolute favorite verse] to "be imitators of God, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up as a frangrant offering and sacrifice to God." God wants us to love unconditionally just as He does. He wants us to forgive and forget, and genuinely love that person [and that person could be yourself!] struggles and all.

He orders us to be imitators of Himself! What a job.

The simple truth is, it's not so difficult to love people unconditionally. It's the central message of the Bible and one of the earliest lessons you learn in life.

But it takes a good dose of realizing that it's not about you. It's about loving that person maybe even a little bit more when they're struggling. It's about doing whatever it takes to forgive and forget, to strengthen the relationship God has gifted to you. It's about focused, intense prayer for that person. And most of all, it's about having FAITH in that person and knowing that they are going to make it through.

The trick is to love as a warrior of God. To remember that it is what God would do.

It's a struggle. It always will be. But i'm working on it.
I would love to just listen if you need to talk through your struggles or even to be your prayer warrior!

Love,
Steph

Proverbs 3:5-8

I've ceased to write a new blog in a long while because I couldn't seem to form the words that explain exactly how I've been feeling. However, I've come to a sort of conclusion over the past couple days that I feel the need to write out and share.


On Wednesday, Tyler and I were driving around when we decided on a whim to drive up to Goshen to visit our friend Michael. It was a nice drive, a wonderful day, and great to see Michael. However, two moments within that trip have served quite a larger purpose in resolving my long-term discontentment that I've been experiencing these past few months.

On the way down, Tyler asked me to call Mrs. Clark, and I resisted entirely. And if you know me, you know this is so unlike me. But I knew exactly what she was going to tell me, and I wasn't sure I was ready to hear it. However, she shared a few words of wisdom that have really stuck with me. She told me that I'm in a sort of "spiritual desert" right now, and I find much truth in that. I feel like I've hit a wall being back here at home that is preventing me from growing in my relationship with Christ, and even regressing to the person I used to be, and that has been so much of my struggle lately. I know that I don't want to go back to who I used to be. I know what I should be doing, I know I should be spending time in the Word, finding a fellowship to connect with, heck going to church on the weekly, but I can't seem to bring myself to do these things. It feels like so much work, and I hate that.

So anyhow we get to Michael's house and of course I had to go to the bathroom. In the bathroom I noticed that Michael's mom had a little notebook full of Bible verses and Wednesday's verse was flipped to Proverbs 3:5-8 which says,

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones."

You know, God is so cool. It's like, He sneaks in answers to our seemingly unanswerable questions if we only take the time to look for them. This simple verse answered literally all of my recent prayers, like sort of instructions as to the next steps I should take.

It was unreal the awesomeness and fear I felt for the Lord when I read this fitting verse in Michael's bathroom. I guess I have been so caught up in me and how I feel that I've been blind to the ways that the Lord is working in my life. And as Erin so kindly reminded me, no matter how empty I feel or how distant I feel I am with God, he never stops working in me, molding me from day to day. He never leaves, He never fails. So this wall I feel like I've hit is non-existent. I'm always going to be growing in my relationship with Him no matter how far away I feel from Him, and that is such a reassuring and wonderful gift. He has been working all along, maybe just in little ways, but He HAS been there. But I've just forgotten to fear Him, I've forgotten the awesomeness and hugeness of Him.

And who am I to think that I can handle anything on my own?

In James 4:4 he says, "Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God." Spending time dwelling in my unhappiness with people or my unsatisfaction with the way my life is right now is pushing me away from the Lord, and I can feel that. There is no reason for me to be upset about how things are going within my life because God has a plan for me. There is an absolute reason for why my life is taking the course that it is, and I need to be ok with that and trust Him with it.

I am so small.
I know that but I forget.

It shouldn't be about me at all.
I know that but I forget.

Love,
Steph

A God-Shaped Vacuum

I went to Bible Study at Wallen Baptist Church last night with Miss Bowles and I really enjoyed it. We talked about chapter 2 in Tommy Nelson's A Life Well Lived which focused on Ecclesiastes 2.

Humans are creatures who consistantly pursue pleasure - not necessarily just sexual pleasure, but pleasure in general. We desire to feel satisified and find things or activities to do in which fully fulfill us. We get caught up in materialism, sexual pleasure, our work and many other tempting things in order to fulfull that looming emptiness within ourselves.

But why, at the end of the day, are these things so unfulfilling?


....


It's because we are looking to the wrong things to fulfill this void.

Blaise Pascal said, “There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every man that cannot be filled by any created being, but by God alone made known through Jesus Christ.” THIS IS SO TRUE! It's like trying to shove a square peg into a circle hole. We try so hard to fill this "God-shaped vacuum" with the created instead of the Creator. But nothing else fits.

God wants us to pursue Him because He is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him. It's not that pursuing pleasure is wrong, it's just that so much of the time we pursue the wrong pleasures.

Knowing and pursuing the Lord and feeling His love is the only thing that can fully satisfy us. It is the only thing that can bring true joy and fulfillment within our lives.

Everything else is just mediocre. It satisfies us only temporarily.

I'm not saying that it's easy to remember this because it's not. It's so much easier to just pursue whatever we feel like. It's so much easier to trust in our own selves to find earthly pleasures to fulfill ourselves.

But in Ecclesiastes 2:26, it is promiesd "to the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge, and happiness" and what else do we really need? As a Christian, it seems to me that our efforts to please ourselves stem from a lack of trust in God. We want to control our own lives instead of trusting the Lord to fulfill our needs. We just get so caught up in our wants, and we forget that everything is truly a gift.

For non-Christians, there is no reason for them not to pursue whatever pleasures they desire, and that is scary to me. I know what it's like to have no reason to do the right thing [whether you choose to or not]. Before I accepted the Lord, I did things to try to be a good person. There was no overarching purpose for anything I did, no ultimate need to act in ways that would glorify God. Looking back, that's really scary.

If you don't know God, I urge you to start exploring for yourself. It's scary and hard, but it's worth the eternal joy and fulfillment that you can only receive as a precious gift from Him. And believe me, people WANT to help you understand...I do.

And if God is all-knowing, all-loving, and all-powerful...why wouldn't we be excited to have Him in control of our lives?


Love,

Steph

I Am So Small.

There has been an overwhelmingly reoccuring theme in my life the past few weeks. When is the right time to say something? And when do keep your mouth shut?

Sometimes, you really do say it best when you say nothing at all. But other times, saying something is the only outlet to solving those things.

But most of the time, it's just really difficult to differentiate between when to say something and when to just keep your mouth shut... and I feel like that's been an issue I've really struggled with these past couple weeks especially.

I've had a bit of a selfish streak lately, and I'm thankful that a really good friend of mine kindly brought that to my attention. I really have been selfish. I've been harboring past hurts and blaming a person for them, when really, the one thing that person needs is just to be loved. I haven't been a very faithful servant of the Lord. How could I forget to forgive? The thing is, I was entirely focused on protecting myself and fell into the gossip trap that I forgot that nothing is really about me after all. At the end of the day, I should be the example by not taking things personally and working to share God's love with this person instead of pushing them away. Because honestly, my reasons for wanting to push this person away don't stand a chance against God's love.

I've also realized that I am so far away from knowing everything, and it's very humbling. God has been really showing me lately that I still have so much to learn. With somewhat of a lack of communication and very apparent ignorance, I was ready to give up another friendship [even different then the one above] because of some things that were said [and not even to me]. Once we communicated, I realized that my perspective of the situation was only a tiny ounce of the entire story, and that God was really hard at work the entire time. I was thinking of my own feelings and how it affected me, but not of anyone else's in the situation. I thought this person should have just kept their mouth shut, but in fact, this person saying those things may have been the best thing that they could have done.

I am so small. He is so big. and I love that He faithfully reminds me of that.

God has thrown a lot of big stuff my way recently [and I kinda feel like He always does], but I have learned so much and i'm thankful for it all....every bit of it. Tyler told me tonight that it's going to be ok, and for some reason, after hearing that a bagillion times from other people, hearing it from him confirmed it in my mind. It really is going to be ok. It will always be ok.

I may not have the same weaknesses as most girls do, but I have my own weaknesses that I'm constantly working on and struggling with. Like I mentioned earlier, I have the tendency to overreact as a outpouring of my own selfishness, and I'm really trying to work on that. I sometimes tend to lack in communication skills, but I have hope that I'm getting better at that too. I'm working but I know it's going to take awhile as well as people holding me accountable.

But it will be ok. I'll be just fine. And I'm just gonna pray, pray, pray.

I also am gonna give a little shout out to Tyler because I love him. I was gonna write this whole blog about him but I decided to give God a bigger shout out...[sorry Princess Ni Ni Lover].

I have so much to say that I don't want to share with the world....I'm gonna go journal.

Oh, Life.
Love,
Steph

You Say it Best When You Say Nothing At All

I've been having a terrible time spelling today. I don't know what it is...

I had such a lovely time [as always] with Miss Erin Bowles today, and I wanted to share a bit of what we talked about and just some random life things. I don't know, this might be a mess. But work with me :)

Tuesday, I was given the awesome opportunity to travel with my mom's fifth grade class to Chicago to go to the Museum of Science and Industry. I was given three fifth graders to chaperone, and it was a really big "grown up" moment for me. For one of the first times, I was strictly playing the role of an adult, entirely responsible for the safety of these three children. I was the one wearing the bright orange nametag with "Nebraska Elementary Chaperone" on it. Looking back, it seems like something so natural to me to lead a group of younger students, but really, it was a pivotal moment in my life. I'm an adult - wow.

It was cool though because in some respect, I felt a tiny ounce of what it feels like to be a mother [or father, for that matter]. I had to keep an eye on these three very different kids as they all looked at different things within a museum packed with other curious little ones. Like a mom, I had to allow them to explore while keeping them close to me [so they wouldn't get lost]. It was really cool to be able to have that responsibility and find out just a taste of what that's like.

On the bus ride to Chicago, I asked a 5th grader sitting in front of me if he had ever been to Chicago. I guess I asked the questions somewhat arbitrarily, expecting to hear him say "duh, everyone's been to Chicago." But instead, the boy said no, that he had never been out of Indiana [and I'm not sure really too far from Fort Wayne]. It was a really eye-opening moment for me. Having been given the opportunities to travel with my family since I was a young girl, I had just expected everyone to be the same way I guess. But these kids were experiencing their first vacation on a SCHOOL fieldtrip. It just reiterated the fact that I am so blessed.

We also passed through one of the poorest areas of Chicago, and it was really really sad. What caught my attention was the housing systems. The houses were either tiny shacks or tall apartments with many floors, all crammed together with no yards to play in. Most of the businesses, which I'm guess were once thriving, were boarded up, and there was trash everywhere, and I mean EVERYWHERE. It was so sad to me that children are growing up in these horrifying conditions. As small as it may seem, these children lack yards to play in and time to just be kids. They are forced to grow up quicker and are doing so in an environment that is so dangerous and destructive. It was really sad, and I'm not sure there is really very much being done. But what can we do? How do we solve it? I want to be a part of that answer...

I think I may have been the only person on the whole bus thinking these things, but 4 hours is a long time to think! Overall, the trip was great and the kids were awesome. :)

On the way back from breakfast, Erin and I talked a little bit about relationships and I thought she brought up a wonderful point. We talked about the idea that all relationships go through season, some closer than others, and that they aren't at all perfect. I find so much truth in that. Being in a relationship means so much more than I ever thought it really meant before I was actually in one. There are so many moments that you never want to end, but there are also times when you have to get down to it and work through things together that you maybe don't want too. There are times when you get on different pages or times that you cope with things differently. Times when the one thing that will cure you is space and maybe the next week it's intimately talking. Some periods will be closer than others but each step is more important than the one before. I love that there is change. I love that in troubling times we're given the opportunity to embrace the challenge and gain a healthier, deeper understanding of each other. But mostly, I love that love's a gift.

Ah, I have so much on my heart these days...

I'm preparing to join a Bible Study with Erin and a few other older women. I'm SO looking forward to that! I miss that fellowship, and being held accountable for my words and actions. I feel like God has just placed so many awesome people and especially women in my life, and I'm so thankful that He has led me to them! I'm really looking forward to meeting with these women and opening up my heart to them! He always provides!

I've been praying lately for grace and forgiveness. I haven't been a very good person in some areas of my life, and I recognize that I'm not being a very nice person but I still do it anyway...how dumb is that? I think I'm getting better, and sometimes, the best thing for me to say is absolutely nothing at all. I need to remind myself of that...

I need to find a job and a car soon. I feel entirely dependent and helpless...and that is such an awful feeling for me. And I have real issues in asking for rides. I don't really know what that's about.

Off to bed!
Love,
Steph

The Best of Times

On the way up to the lake this weekend, I was given the rare opportunity to have a talk (without interruptions) with my mom and dad. It was beautiful. We talked of life, and love, and money, and beauty, and it really opened up my eyes to the true character of my parents.

We all think we know our parents. We have some wonderfully conceived idea of who our parents were both before we were born and up till now. We think we know every move they will make, what they would say in certain situations, or what they will wear to the party at work (which might be a bit embarassing). I have always respected and appreciated my parents - they have given me everything without needing anything in return, including unconditional love and support - and I will forever be greatful to them. But this weekend, I experienced a moment when I learned exactly where there heart is at in this life, and I am so thankful for that.

We got on the subject of me being an R.A. and how my they both thought I had made the right decision. My dad gracefully reminded me that sometimes we have to give things we want up in order to survive. They told me of the period when they got married; two young kids, poor and in love, eating mac & cheese nightly in order to pay the bills. Of the two children they had, though they probably couldn't afford it, but of the house they filled with love and of the walls that were decorated with finger painted pictures and crayon drawings. It seemed like the same story I had heard, not bad, just the same...until my dad said something I'll never forget. He said, "We may have had nothing, but those were some of the best times of our lives."

...........

MY PARENTS ARE MY HEROES.

...........

They inspire me. They love me. They support me. They find a way to make any situation into a good one. And I hope that someday I can be half as good of parents as they were [if that's even possible.] I learned that their hearts are in such a wonderful place. We don't need THINGS to make us happy in our house, and I'm so happy I've grown up under that notion.

We've grown up in a world crammed full of things. We "have to have" this and we "just can't live without " that. It's sickening, and I think we ALL fall into it. I've been going through my room lately and have discovered a whole slew of items that probably weren't ever on the list of needed purchases. We accumulate so much stuff...but why? Why did I need that third belt when I already had two that were just fine? And why did I have to get one more pair of shoes or a purse when I have zillions laying around my bedroom?

I'm so thankful that my parents have taught me that mere things mean nothing in the end. I don't ever want to take anything I have for granted and I always want to appreciate it all, because it is a beautiful and wonderful gift from God. I never want to find myself so consumed in what I have [or don't have] that I forget to love people.

Because that's what it's all about...
...and sometimes I do forget.

Love,
Steph

"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude." -D. Waitley

"This time, like all times, is the best of times, if we but know what to do with it." - R.W. Emerson

Dear Mr. and Mrs. _____,

The first round of my friends have begun the journey into marriage...

WHAT!?

I feel like I've been throwing around the phrase "We're only __ years old, how can they be getting married already?" for years, and the older I get, the more void it has become. People that are 19 and 20 are beginning their journey into a life of Mr. and Mrs. and that is shocking to me.

I've just begun figuring out who I am as a person. Marriage requires knowing and loving yourself enough to open up every single piece of yourself and give it all to another human being who is going through the same thing at exactly the same pace. That just sounds difficult, let alone DOING it. I feel like at this point in my life, getting married would be a highly selfish thing to do. And I'm not fully convinced I could open every piece of myself to another person to the extent that is necessary for a healthy marriage at this point.

I don't ever want marriage to be merely the next thing that I'm supposed to do in my life, and I think that may be what's happening with a large amount of young couples today. I want to be so sure of myself that I am making the right decision and I want to do it because we're ready, not just because that's what couples are supposed to do at a certain age. Marriage is something that is so sacred to me, and I know that when I get married, I want it to be forever [and I'm not trying to throw out a cliche here].

I hope that I'm wrong about these young couples, and I really hope that their marriages work out beautifully. I just know that marriage to me is an overwhelmingly important decision that I take very seriously.

Anyhow, just some thoughts.
And I love weddings. :)
Love,
Steph