On Wednesday, Tyler and I were driving around when we decided on a whim to drive up to Goshen to visit our friend Michael. It was a nice drive, a wonderful day, and great to see Michael. However, two moments within that trip have served quite a larger purpose in resolving my long-term discontentment that I've been experiencing these past few months.
On the way down, Tyler asked me to call Mrs. Clark, and I resisted entirely. And if you know me, you know this is so unlike me. But I knew exactly what she was going to tell me, and I wasn't sure I was ready to hear it. However, she shared a few words of wisdom that have really stuck with me. She told me that I'm in a sort of "spiritual desert" right now, and I find much truth in that. I feel like I've hit a wall being back here at home that is preventing me from growing in my relationship with Christ, and even regressing to the person I used to be, and that has been so much of my struggle lately. I know that I don't want to go back to who I used to be. I know what I should be doing, I know I should be spending time in the Word, finding a fellowship to connect with, heck going to church on the weekly, but I can't seem to bring myself to do these things. It feels like so much work, and I hate that.
So anyhow we get to Michael's house and of course I had to go to the bathroom. In the bathroom I noticed that Michael's mom had a little notebook full of Bible verses and Wednesday's verse was flipped to Proverbs 3:5-8 which says,
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones."
You know, God is so cool. It's like, He sneaks in answers to our seemingly unanswerable questions if we only take the time to look for them. This simple verse answered literally all of my recent prayers, like sort of instructions as to the next steps I should take.
It was unreal the awesomeness and fear I felt for the Lord when I read this fitting verse in Michael's bathroom. I guess I have been so caught up in me and how I feel that I've been blind to the ways that the Lord is working in my life. And as Erin so kindly reminded me, no matter how empty I feel or how distant I feel I am with God, he never stops working in me, molding me from day to day. He never leaves, He never fails. So this wall I feel like I've hit is non-existent. I'm always going to be growing in my relationship with Him no matter how far away I feel from Him, and that is such a reassuring and wonderful gift. He has been working all along, maybe just in little ways, but He HAS been there. But I've just forgotten to fear Him, I've forgotten the awesomeness and hugeness of Him.
And who am I to think that I can handle anything on my own?
In James 4:4 he says, "Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God." Spending time dwelling in my unhappiness with people or my unsatisfaction with the way my life is right now is pushing me away from the Lord, and I can feel that. There is no reason for me to be upset about how things are going within my life because God has a plan for me. There is an absolute reason for why my life is taking the course that it is, and I need to be ok with that and trust Him with it.
I am so small.
I know that but I forget.
It shouldn't be about me at all.
I know that but I forget.
Love,
Steph
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