What an interesting and trying past couple months it has been. And i'm nowhere near being all put back into place - but probably more broken than I was the last time I wrote.
I'm just going to be blunt here. I am going to do missions work with orphans in the near future. I don't know what that looks like nor how i'm ever going to pay for it. I don't know how I can even make an impact there. But after Sunday night, I have just felt this tug on my heart saying, "Steph, you are meant to do missions work outside of home. You are meant for sharing love with little ones and their broken families." I've been blessed with a wonderful and loving family, and I must share the love of God that I feel with these precious little children who have never felt the support of a family. I want to just love on them and play with them and rejoice in the Lord with them. And let me just tell you, I know this came from the Lord because I have no idea where else it came from. And the message is just screaming in my face.
I've also been thinking that some sort of work with poverty-striken single mothers around my age would be really awesome and that I could make a difference in that area. I don't exactly know what that means, but I think I could help to give those women back a bit of empowerment and confidence to make change in this world [with the help of God of course!]
I've been looking up some places to go - throwing around summer projects, ECC affiliated missionaries, etc. I don't know where God is taking me with this. I don't know if it will even ever work out. I don't know why it's been placed so heavily on my heart, but when I got to thinking about it, doing missions work this summer would work out absolutely perfectly. See, I've been really torn as to what my plans for this summer are going to be. I've thought about staying in Btown and working all summer, maybe grabbing two jobs and sub-leasing an apartment. I've thought about being a summer RA and taking a class or two. I've thought about going home and picking up another job along with my job at Victoria's Secret. But none of these things have really felt right. The only thing that feels right is bringing missions work into the equation.
I might just look around myself and take a leap of faith in moving somewhere over the summer and just seeing where I can be used. It would be scary, but I think it would be so worth it.
I'm so broken. Since the summer, God has been slowly breaking me in an effort to shuffle the pieces around a bit and put them back together in a way that will glorify Him. IT SUCKS and it hurts, but I know it's right. And thank you God for that.
Please pray for me. I don't generally ask for prayers, but I really need them right now.
Love you guys! :)
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Hoo-Hoo-Hoo-Hoosiers!
Here's a picture of all of the '09-'10 RA's at Indiana University! I'm in the first row, third person from the right! :)Sunday, August 9, 2009
The African Children's Choir
I appreciate music - I feel the most connected to God through it, and have devoted much of my life to creating it.
And this morning at Pathway, I experienced a miracle. That miracle is called the African Children's Choir.
Let me fill you in on what this choir is all about...
The African Children's Choir was founded in 1984 admist a bloody civil war in Uganda by Ray Barnett, a human right's activist committed to aiding children growing up in poverty within Africa. Ray was blessed with the idea to create a choir for children between 8-12 years old in efforts to get them off the streets and gaining knowledge to survive in the world. Most of these children have lost one or even both of their parents and live in extreme poverty. This choir has given these children a chance to be a part of something bigger than Africa, something that unites us all as human - God.
I cried throughout the whole concert; I just couldn't help myself. I felt such a connection to these children from Africa. They are just small children and have struggled through so much more than most of us ever will in a lifetime, but they still have the will to sing their hearts out for our Lord and to give thanks to Him. These kids are awesome. What an inspiration!
One of the most beautiful parts of the morning was listening to a little Caucasian girl sitting next to me sing along with the African children. What a beautiful juxtaposition and what a testament to the connectedness of humanity.
My heart was filled with an overwhleming joy this morning, and I was truly happy. It was a life-changing moment for me, and I just feel like I'm off to a fresh new start.
Please, if you get the chance, visit http://www.africanchildrenschoir.com/ and check out what they're about. Youtube them and listen to some of their stuff. It's so great.
God Bless you all.
Love,
Steph
And this morning at Pathway, I experienced a miracle. That miracle is called the African Children's Choir.
Let me fill you in on what this choir is all about...
The African Children's Choir was founded in 1984 admist a bloody civil war in Uganda by Ray Barnett, a human right's activist committed to aiding children growing up in poverty within Africa. Ray was blessed with the idea to create a choir for children between 8-12 years old in efforts to get them off the streets and gaining knowledge to survive in the world. Most of these children have lost one or even both of their parents and live in extreme poverty. This choir has given these children a chance to be a part of something bigger than Africa, something that unites us all as human - God.
I cried throughout the whole concert; I just couldn't help myself. I felt such a connection to these children from Africa. They are just small children and have struggled through so much more than most of us ever will in a lifetime, but they still have the will to sing their hearts out for our Lord and to give thanks to Him. These kids are awesome. What an inspiration!
One of the most beautiful parts of the morning was listening to a little Caucasian girl sitting next to me sing along with the African children. What a beautiful juxtaposition and what a testament to the connectedness of humanity.
My heart was filled with an overwhleming joy this morning, and I was truly happy. It was a life-changing moment for me, and I just feel like I'm off to a fresh new start.
Please, if you get the chance, visit http://www.africanchildrenschoir.com/ and check out what they're about. Youtube them and listen to some of their stuff. It's so great.
God Bless you all.
Love,
Steph
Thursday, August 6, 2009
I Love You, Sometimes.
This summer has been packed full of lessons of unconditional love, and I finally understand what it truly feels like to love someone unconditionally.
It's an unavoidable fact that everyone we know is going to let us down in some way or another, big or small. And by the same token, I'm sure I have and will let down many people in my life. It's a fact of life, but it's so hard to deal with.
How does God do it?
God is let down every second by you, me and every single other person on this planet. He is disappointed when we choose to love worldly things more than we love Him or turn away from His goodness, etc.
Are you kidding me? Me being disappointed in one silly instance by one silly person seems so ridiculous and irrelevant when you step back and look at the big picture.
We sin all the time, let down God by the second, but He still says, "Hey, it's ok. I still love you no matter what." And then we do the next stupid thing and you know what He says? "Hey, it's ok. I still love you no matter what." And I bet you can guess what he said the other 8 bagillion times we screw up? Yep, you guessed it!
What a testament to unconditional love, God!
But why isn't it that easy for me?
I feel like sometimes I have troubles forgiving, and, more than that, FORGETTING. I know they say a wise person forgives but never forgets [or something like that] but I'm pretty sure those two go hand in hand. How can you say that you fully forgive someone if you are still dwelling upon the issue? And how are you still loving a person unconditionally if that issue is constantly being held over their head? And that's not fair.
God instructs us in Ephesians 5:1-2 [my absolute favorite verse] to "be imitators of God, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up as a frangrant offering and sacrifice to God." God wants us to love unconditionally just as He does. He wants us to forgive and forget, and genuinely love that person [and that person could be yourself!] struggles and all.
He orders us to be imitators of Himself! What a job.
The simple truth is, it's not so difficult to love people unconditionally. It's the central message of the Bible and one of the earliest lessons you learn in life.
But it takes a good dose of realizing that it's not about you. It's about loving that person maybe even a little bit more when they're struggling. It's about doing whatever it takes to forgive and forget, to strengthen the relationship God has gifted to you. It's about focused, intense prayer for that person. And most of all, it's about having FAITH in that person and knowing that they are going to make it through.
The trick is to love as a warrior of God. To remember that it is what God would do.
It's a struggle. It always will be. But i'm working on it.
I would love to just listen if you need to talk through your struggles or even to be your prayer warrior!
Love,
Steph
It's an unavoidable fact that everyone we know is going to let us down in some way or another, big or small. And by the same token, I'm sure I have and will let down many people in my life. It's a fact of life, but it's so hard to deal with.
How does God do it?
God is let down every second by you, me and every single other person on this planet. He is disappointed when we choose to love worldly things more than we love Him or turn away from His goodness, etc.
Are you kidding me? Me being disappointed in one silly instance by one silly person seems so ridiculous and irrelevant when you step back and look at the big picture.
We sin all the time, let down God by the second, but He still says, "Hey, it's ok. I still love you no matter what." And then we do the next stupid thing and you know what He says? "Hey, it's ok. I still love you no matter what." And I bet you can guess what he said the other 8 bagillion times we screw up? Yep, you guessed it!
What a testament to unconditional love, God!
But why isn't it that easy for me?
I feel like sometimes I have troubles forgiving, and, more than that, FORGETTING. I know they say a wise person forgives but never forgets [or something like that] but I'm pretty sure those two go hand in hand. How can you say that you fully forgive someone if you are still dwelling upon the issue? And how are you still loving a person unconditionally if that issue is constantly being held over their head? And that's not fair.
God instructs us in Ephesians 5:1-2 [my absolute favorite verse] to "be imitators of God, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up as a frangrant offering and sacrifice to God." God wants us to love unconditionally just as He does. He wants us to forgive and forget, and genuinely love that person [and that person could be yourself!] struggles and all.
He orders us to be imitators of Himself! What a job.
The simple truth is, it's not so difficult to love people unconditionally. It's the central message of the Bible and one of the earliest lessons you learn in life.
But it takes a good dose of realizing that it's not about you. It's about loving that person maybe even a little bit more when they're struggling. It's about doing whatever it takes to forgive and forget, to strengthen the relationship God has gifted to you. It's about focused, intense prayer for that person. And most of all, it's about having FAITH in that person and knowing that they are going to make it through.
The trick is to love as a warrior of God. To remember that it is what God would do.
It's a struggle. It always will be. But i'm working on it.
I would love to just listen if you need to talk through your struggles or even to be your prayer warrior!
Love,
Steph
Friday, July 10, 2009
Proverbs 3:5-8
I've ceased to write a new blog in a long while because I couldn't seem to form the words that explain exactly how I've been feeling. However, I've come to a sort of conclusion over the past couple days that I feel the need to write out and share.
On Wednesday, Tyler and I were driving around when we decided on a whim to drive up to Goshen to visit our friend Michael. It was a nice drive, a wonderful day, and great to see Michael. However, two moments within that trip have served quite a larger purpose in resolving my long-term discontentment that I've been experiencing these past few months.
On the way down, Tyler asked me to call Mrs. Clark, and I resisted entirely. And if you know me, you know this is so unlike me. But I knew exactly what she was going to tell me, and I wasn't sure I was ready to hear it. However, she shared a few words of wisdom that have really stuck with me. She told me that I'm in a sort of "spiritual desert" right now, and I find much truth in that. I feel like I've hit a wall being back here at home that is preventing me from growing in my relationship with Christ, and even regressing to the person I used to be, and that has been so much of my struggle lately. I know that I don't want to go back to who I used to be. I know what I should be doing, I know I should be spending time in the Word, finding a fellowship to connect with, heck going to church on the weekly, but I can't seem to bring myself to do these things. It feels like so much work, and I hate that.
So anyhow we get to Michael's house and of course I had to go to the bathroom. In the bathroom I noticed that Michael's mom had a little notebook full of Bible verses and Wednesday's verse was flipped to Proverbs 3:5-8 which says,
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones."
It was unreal the awesomeness and fear I felt for the Lord when I read this fitting verse in Michael's bathroom. I guess I have been so caught up in me and how I feel that I've been blind to the ways that the Lord is working in my life. And as Erin so kindly reminded me, no matter how empty I feel or how distant I feel I am with God, he never stops working in me, molding me from day to day. He never leaves, He never fails. So this wall I feel like I've hit is non-existent. I'm always going to be growing in my relationship with Him no matter how far away I feel from Him, and that is such a reassuring and wonderful gift. He has been working all along, maybe just in little ways, but He HAS been there. But I've just forgotten to fear Him, I've forgotten the awesomeness and hugeness of Him.
And who am I to think that I can handle anything on my own?
In James 4:4 he says, "Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God." Spending time dwelling in my unhappiness with people or my unsatisfaction with the way my life is right now is pushing me away from the Lord, and I can feel that. There is no reason for me to be upset about how things are going within my life because God has a plan for me. There is an absolute reason for why my life is taking the course that it is, and I need to be ok with that and trust Him with it.
I am so small.
I know that but I forget.
It shouldn't be about me at all.
I know that but I forget.
Love,
Steph
On Wednesday, Tyler and I were driving around when we decided on a whim to drive up to Goshen to visit our friend Michael. It was a nice drive, a wonderful day, and great to see Michael. However, two moments within that trip have served quite a larger purpose in resolving my long-term discontentment that I've been experiencing these past few months.
On the way down, Tyler asked me to call Mrs. Clark, and I resisted entirely. And if you know me, you know this is so unlike me. But I knew exactly what she was going to tell me, and I wasn't sure I was ready to hear it. However, she shared a few words of wisdom that have really stuck with me. She told me that I'm in a sort of "spiritual desert" right now, and I find much truth in that. I feel like I've hit a wall being back here at home that is preventing me from growing in my relationship with Christ, and even regressing to the person I used to be, and that has been so much of my struggle lately. I know that I don't want to go back to who I used to be. I know what I should be doing, I know I should be spending time in the Word, finding a fellowship to connect with, heck going to church on the weekly, but I can't seem to bring myself to do these things. It feels like so much work, and I hate that.
So anyhow we get to Michael's house and of course I had to go to the bathroom. In the bathroom I noticed that Michael's mom had a little notebook full of Bible verses and Wednesday's verse was flipped to Proverbs 3:5-8 which says,
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones."
You know, God is so cool. It's like, He sneaks in answers to our seemingly unanswerable questions if we only take the time to look for them. This simple verse answered literally all of my recent prayers, like sort of instructions as to the next steps I should take.
It was unreal the awesomeness and fear I felt for the Lord when I read this fitting verse in Michael's bathroom. I guess I have been so caught up in me and how I feel that I've been blind to the ways that the Lord is working in my life. And as Erin so kindly reminded me, no matter how empty I feel or how distant I feel I am with God, he never stops working in me, molding me from day to day. He never leaves, He never fails. So this wall I feel like I've hit is non-existent. I'm always going to be growing in my relationship with Him no matter how far away I feel from Him, and that is such a reassuring and wonderful gift. He has been working all along, maybe just in little ways, but He HAS been there. But I've just forgotten to fear Him, I've forgotten the awesomeness and hugeness of Him.
And who am I to think that I can handle anything on my own?
In James 4:4 he says, "Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God." Spending time dwelling in my unhappiness with people or my unsatisfaction with the way my life is right now is pushing me away from the Lord, and I can feel that. There is no reason for me to be upset about how things are going within my life because God has a plan for me. There is an absolute reason for why my life is taking the course that it is, and I need to be ok with that and trust Him with it.
I am so small.
I know that but I forget.
It shouldn't be about me at all.
I know that but I forget.
Love,
Steph
Thursday, June 11, 2009
A God-Shaped Vacuum
I went to Bible Study at Wallen Baptist Church last night with Miss Bowles and I really enjoyed it. We talked about chapter 2 in Tommy Nelson's A Life Well Lived which focused on Ecclesiastes 2.
Humans are creatures who consistantly pursue pleasure - not necessarily just sexual pleasure, but pleasure in general. We desire to feel satisified and find things or activities to do in which fully fulfill us. We get caught up in materialism, sexual pleasure, our work and many other tempting things in order to fulfull that looming emptiness within ourselves.
But why, at the end of the day, are these things so unfulfilling?
....
It's because we are looking to the wrong things to fulfill this void.
Blaise Pascal said, “There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every man that cannot be filled by any created being, but by God alone made known through Jesus Christ.” THIS IS SO TRUE! It's like trying to shove a square peg into a circle hole. We try so hard to fill this "God-shaped vacuum" with the created instead of the Creator. But nothing else fits.
God wants us to pursue Him because He is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him. It's not that pursuing pleasure is wrong, it's just that so much of the time we pursue the wrong pleasures.
Knowing and pursuing the Lord and feeling His love is the only thing that can fully satisfy us. It is the only thing that can bring true joy and fulfillment within our lives.
Everything else is just mediocre. It satisfies us only temporarily.
I'm not saying that it's easy to remember this because it's not. It's so much easier to just pursue whatever we feel like. It's so much easier to trust in our own selves to find earthly pleasures to fulfill ourselves.
But in Ecclesiastes 2:26, it is promiesd "to the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge, and happiness" and what else do we really need? As a Christian, it seems to me that our efforts to please ourselves stem from a lack of trust in God. We want to control our own lives instead of trusting the Lord to fulfill our needs. We just get so caught up in our wants, and we forget that everything is truly a gift.
For non-Christians, there is no reason for them not to pursue whatever pleasures they desire, and that is scary to me. I know what it's like to have no reason to do the right thing [whether you choose to or not]. Before I accepted the Lord, I did things to try to be a good person. There was no overarching purpose for anything I did, no ultimate need to act in ways that would glorify God. Looking back, that's really scary.
If you don't know God, I urge you to start exploring for yourself. It's scary and hard, but it's worth the eternal joy and fulfillment that you can only receive as a precious gift from Him. And believe me, people WANT to help you understand...I do.
And if God is all-knowing, all-loving, and all-powerful...why wouldn't we be excited to have Him in control of our lives?
Love,
Steph
Humans are creatures who consistantly pursue pleasure - not necessarily just sexual pleasure, but pleasure in general. We desire to feel satisified and find things or activities to do in which fully fulfill us. We get caught up in materialism, sexual pleasure, our work and many other tempting things in order to fulfull that looming emptiness within ourselves.
But why, at the end of the day, are these things so unfulfilling?
....
It's because we are looking to the wrong things to fulfill this void.
Blaise Pascal said, “There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every man that cannot be filled by any created being, but by God alone made known through Jesus Christ.” THIS IS SO TRUE! It's like trying to shove a square peg into a circle hole. We try so hard to fill this "God-shaped vacuum" with the created instead of the Creator. But nothing else fits.
God wants us to pursue Him because He is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him. It's not that pursuing pleasure is wrong, it's just that so much of the time we pursue the wrong pleasures.
Knowing and pursuing the Lord and feeling His love is the only thing that can fully satisfy us. It is the only thing that can bring true joy and fulfillment within our lives.
Everything else is just mediocre. It satisfies us only temporarily.
I'm not saying that it's easy to remember this because it's not. It's so much easier to just pursue whatever we feel like. It's so much easier to trust in our own selves to find earthly pleasures to fulfill ourselves.
But in Ecclesiastes 2:26, it is promiesd "to the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge, and happiness" and what else do we really need? As a Christian, it seems to me that our efforts to please ourselves stem from a lack of trust in God. We want to control our own lives instead of trusting the Lord to fulfill our needs. We just get so caught up in our wants, and we forget that everything is truly a gift.
For non-Christians, there is no reason for them not to pursue whatever pleasures they desire, and that is scary to me. I know what it's like to have no reason to do the right thing [whether you choose to or not]. Before I accepted the Lord, I did things to try to be a good person. There was no overarching purpose for anything I did, no ultimate need to act in ways that would glorify God. Looking back, that's really scary.
If you don't know God, I urge you to start exploring for yourself. It's scary and hard, but it's worth the eternal joy and fulfillment that you can only receive as a precious gift from Him. And believe me, people WANT to help you understand...I do.
And if God is all-knowing, all-loving, and all-powerful...why wouldn't we be excited to have Him in control of our lives?
Love,
Steph
Saturday, June 6, 2009
I Am So Small.
There has been an overwhelmingly reoccuring theme in my life the past few weeks. When is the right time to say something? And when do keep your mouth shut?
Sometimes, you really do say it best when you say nothing at all. But other times, saying something is the only outlet to solving those things.
But most of the time, it's just really difficult to differentiate between when to say something and when to just keep your mouth shut... and I feel like that's been an issue I've really struggled with these past couple weeks especially.
I've had a bit of a selfish streak lately, and I'm thankful that a really good friend of mine kindly brought that to my attention. I really have been selfish. I've been harboring past hurts and blaming a person for them, when really, the one thing that person needs is just to be loved. I haven't been a very faithful servant of the Lord. How could I forget to forgive? The thing is, I was entirely focused on protecting myself and fell into the gossip trap that I forgot that nothing is really about me after all. At the end of the day, I should be the example by not taking things personally and working to share God's love with this person instead of pushing them away. Because honestly, my reasons for wanting to push this person away don't stand a chance against God's love.
I've also realized that I am so far away from knowing everything, and it's very humbling. God has been really showing me lately that I still have so much to learn. With somewhat of a lack of communication and very apparent ignorance, I was ready to give up another friendship [even different then the one above] because of some things that were said [and not even to me]. Once we communicated, I realized that my perspective of the situation was only a tiny ounce of the entire story, and that God was really hard at work the entire time. I was thinking of my own feelings and how it affected me, but not of anyone else's in the situation. I thought this person should have just kept their mouth shut, but in fact, this person saying those things may have been the best thing that they could have done.
I am so small. He is so big. and I love that He faithfully reminds me of that.
God has thrown a lot of big stuff my way recently [and I kinda feel like He always does], but I have learned so much and i'm thankful for it all....every bit of it. Tyler told me tonight that it's going to be ok, and for some reason, after hearing that a bagillion times from other people, hearing it from him confirmed it in my mind. It really is going to be ok. It will always be ok.
I may not have the same weaknesses as most girls do, but I have my own weaknesses that I'm constantly working on and struggling with. Like I mentioned earlier, I have the tendency to overreact as a outpouring of my own selfishness, and I'm really trying to work on that. I sometimes tend to lack in communication skills, but I have hope that I'm getting better at that too. I'm working but I know it's going to take awhile as well as people holding me accountable.
But it will be ok. I'll be just fine. And I'm just gonna pray, pray, pray.
I also am gonna give a little shout out to Tyler because I love him. I was gonna write this whole blog about him but I decided to give God a bigger shout out...[sorry Princess Ni Ni Lover].
I have so much to say that I don't want to share with the world....I'm gonna go journal.
Oh, Life.
Love,
Steph
Sometimes, you really do say it best when you say nothing at all. But other times, saying something is the only outlet to solving those things.
But most of the time, it's just really difficult to differentiate between when to say something and when to just keep your mouth shut... and I feel like that's been an issue I've really struggled with these past couple weeks especially.
I've had a bit of a selfish streak lately, and I'm thankful that a really good friend of mine kindly brought that to my attention. I really have been selfish. I've been harboring past hurts and blaming a person for them, when really, the one thing that person needs is just to be loved. I haven't been a very faithful servant of the Lord. How could I forget to forgive? The thing is, I was entirely focused on protecting myself and fell into the gossip trap that I forgot that nothing is really about me after all. At the end of the day, I should be the example by not taking things personally and working to share God's love with this person instead of pushing them away. Because honestly, my reasons for wanting to push this person away don't stand a chance against God's love.
I've also realized that I am so far away from knowing everything, and it's very humbling. God has been really showing me lately that I still have so much to learn. With somewhat of a lack of communication and very apparent ignorance, I was ready to give up another friendship [even different then the one above] because of some things that were said [and not even to me]. Once we communicated, I realized that my perspective of the situation was only a tiny ounce of the entire story, and that God was really hard at work the entire time. I was thinking of my own feelings and how it affected me, but not of anyone else's in the situation. I thought this person should have just kept their mouth shut, but in fact, this person saying those things may have been the best thing that they could have done.
I am so small. He is so big. and I love that He faithfully reminds me of that.
God has thrown a lot of big stuff my way recently [and I kinda feel like He always does], but I have learned so much and i'm thankful for it all....every bit of it. Tyler told me tonight that it's going to be ok, and for some reason, after hearing that a bagillion times from other people, hearing it from him confirmed it in my mind. It really is going to be ok. It will always be ok.
I may not have the same weaknesses as most girls do, but I have my own weaknesses that I'm constantly working on and struggling with. Like I mentioned earlier, I have the tendency to overreact as a outpouring of my own selfishness, and I'm really trying to work on that. I sometimes tend to lack in communication skills, but I have hope that I'm getting better at that too. I'm working but I know it's going to take awhile as well as people holding me accountable.
But it will be ok. I'll be just fine. And I'm just gonna pray, pray, pray.
I also am gonna give a little shout out to Tyler because I love him. I was gonna write this whole blog about him but I decided to give God a bigger shout out...[sorry Princess Ni Ni Lover].
I have so much to say that I don't want to share with the world....I'm gonna go journal.
Oh, Life.
Love,
Steph
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