I've been having a terrible time spelling today. I don't know what it is...
I had such a lovely time [as always] with Miss Erin Bowles today, and I wanted to share a bit of what we talked about and just some random life things. I don't know, this might be a mess. But work with me :)
Tuesday, I was given the awesome opportunity to travel with my mom's fifth grade class to Chicago to go to the Museum of Science and Industry. I was given three fifth graders to chaperone, and it was a really big "grown up" moment for me. For one of the first times, I was strictly playing the role of an adult, entirely responsible for the safety of these three children. I was the one wearing the bright orange nametag with "Nebraska Elementary Chaperone" on it. Looking back, it seems like something so natural to me to lead a group of younger students, but really, it was a pivotal moment in my life. I'm an adult - wow.
It was cool though because in some respect, I felt a tiny ounce of what it feels like to be a mother [or father, for that matter]. I had to keep an eye on these three very different kids as they all looked at different things within a museum packed with other curious little ones. Like a mom, I had to allow them to explore while keeping them close to me [so they wouldn't get lost]. It was really cool to be able to have that responsibility and find out just a taste of what that's like.
On the bus ride to Chicago, I asked a 5th grader sitting in front of me if he had ever been to Chicago. I guess I asked the questions somewhat arbitrarily, expecting to hear him say "duh, everyone's been to Chicago." But instead, the boy said no, that he had never been out of Indiana [and I'm not sure really too far from Fort Wayne]. It was a really eye-opening moment for me. Having been given the opportunities to travel with my family since I was a young girl, I had just expected everyone to be the same way I guess. But these kids were experiencing their first vacation on a SCHOOL fieldtrip. It just reiterated the fact that I am so blessed.
We also passed through one of the poorest areas of Chicago, and it was really really sad. What caught my attention was the housing systems. The houses were either tiny shacks or tall apartments with many floors, all crammed together with no yards to play in. Most of the businesses, which I'm guess were once thriving, were boarded up, and there was trash everywhere, and I mean EVERYWHERE. It was so sad to me that children are growing up in these horrifying conditions. As small as it may seem, these children lack yards to play in and time to just be kids. They are forced to grow up quicker and are doing so in an environment that is so dangerous and destructive. It was really sad, and I'm not sure there is really very much being done. But what can we do? How do we solve it? I want to be a part of that answer...
I think I may have been the only person on the whole bus thinking these things, but 4 hours is a long time to think! Overall, the trip was great and the kids were awesome. :)
On the way back from breakfast, Erin and I talked a little bit about relationships and I thought she brought up a wonderful point. We talked about the idea that all relationships go through season, some closer than others, and that they aren't at all perfect. I find so much truth in that. Being in a relationship means so much more than I ever thought it really meant before I was actually in one. There are so many moments that you never want to end, but there are also times when you have to get down to it and work through things together that you maybe don't want too. There are times when you get on different pages or times that you cope with things differently. Times when the one thing that will cure you is space and maybe the next week it's intimately talking. Some periods will be closer than others but each step is more important than the one before. I love that there is change. I love that in troubling times we're given the opportunity to embrace the challenge and gain a healthier, deeper understanding of each other. But mostly, I love that love's a gift.
Ah, I have so much on my heart these days...
I'm preparing to join a Bible Study with Erin and a few other older women. I'm SO looking forward to that! I miss that fellowship, and being held accountable for my words and actions. I feel like God has just placed so many awesome people and especially women in my life, and I'm so thankful that He has led me to them! I'm really looking forward to meeting with these women and opening up my heart to them! He always provides!
I've been praying lately for grace and forgiveness. I haven't been a very good person in some areas of my life, and I recognize that I'm not being a very nice person but I still do it anyway...how dumb is that? I think I'm getting better, and sometimes, the best thing for me to say is absolutely nothing at all. I need to remind myself of that...
I need to find a job and a car soon. I feel entirely dependent and helpless...and that is such an awful feeling for me. And I have real issues in asking for rides. I don't really know what that's about.
Off to bed!
Love,
Steph
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
The Best of Times
On the way up to the lake this weekend, I was given the rare opportunity to have a talk (without interruptions) with my mom and dad. It was beautiful. We talked of life, and love, and money, and beauty, and it really opened up my eyes to the true character of my parents.
We all think we know our parents. We have some wonderfully conceived idea of who our parents were both before we were born and up till now. We think we know every move they will make, what they would say in certain situations, or what they will wear to the party at work (which might be a bit embarassing). I have always respected and appreciated my parents - they have given me everything without needing anything in return, including unconditional love and support - and I will forever be greatful to them. But this weekend, I experienced a moment when I learned exactly where there heart is at in this life, and I am so thankful for that.
We got on the subject of me being an R.A. and how my they both thought I had made the right decision. My dad gracefully reminded me that sometimes we have to give things we want up in order to survive. They told me of the period when they got married; two young kids, poor and in love, eating mac & cheese nightly in order to pay the bills. Of the two children they had, though they probably couldn't afford it, but of the house they filled with love and of the walls that were decorated with finger painted pictures and crayon drawings. It seemed like the same story I had heard, not bad, just the same...until my dad said something I'll never forget. He said, "We may have had nothing, but those were some of the best times of our lives."
...........
MY PARENTS ARE MY HEROES.
...........
They inspire me. They love me. They support me. They find a way to make any situation into a good one. And I hope that someday I can be half as good of parents as they were [if that's even possible.] I learned that their hearts are in such a wonderful place. We don't need THINGS to make us happy in our house, and I'm so happy I've grown up under that notion.
We've grown up in a world crammed full of things. We "have to have" this and we "just can't live without " that. It's sickening, and I think we ALL fall into it. I've been going through my room lately and have discovered a whole slew of items that probably weren't ever on the list of needed purchases. We accumulate so much stuff...but why? Why did I need that third belt when I already had two that were just fine? And why did I have to get one more pair of shoes or a purse when I have zillions laying around my bedroom?
I'm so thankful that my parents have taught me that mere things mean nothing in the end. I don't ever want to take anything I have for granted and I always want to appreciate it all, because it is a beautiful and wonderful gift from God. I never want to find myself so consumed in what I have [or don't have] that I forget to love people.
Because that's what it's all about...
...and sometimes I do forget.
Love,
Steph
"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude." -D. Waitley
"This time, like all times, is the best of times, if we but know what to do with it." - R.W. Emerson
We all think we know our parents. We have some wonderfully conceived idea of who our parents were both before we were born and up till now. We think we know every move they will make, what they would say in certain situations, or what they will wear to the party at work (which might be a bit embarassing). I have always respected and appreciated my parents - they have given me everything without needing anything in return, including unconditional love and support - and I will forever be greatful to them. But this weekend, I experienced a moment when I learned exactly where there heart is at in this life, and I am so thankful for that.
We got on the subject of me being an R.A. and how my they both thought I had made the right decision. My dad gracefully reminded me that sometimes we have to give things we want up in order to survive. They told me of the period when they got married; two young kids, poor and in love, eating mac & cheese nightly in order to pay the bills. Of the two children they had, though they probably couldn't afford it, but of the house they filled with love and of the walls that were decorated with finger painted pictures and crayon drawings. It seemed like the same story I had heard, not bad, just the same...until my dad said something I'll never forget. He said, "We may have had nothing, but those were some of the best times of our lives."
...........
MY PARENTS ARE MY HEROES.
...........
They inspire me. They love me. They support me. They find a way to make any situation into a good one. And I hope that someday I can be half as good of parents as they were [if that's even possible.] I learned that their hearts are in such a wonderful place. We don't need THINGS to make us happy in our house, and I'm so happy I've grown up under that notion.
We've grown up in a world crammed full of things. We "have to have" this and we "just can't live without " that. It's sickening, and I think we ALL fall into it. I've been going through my room lately and have discovered a whole slew of items that probably weren't ever on the list of needed purchases. We accumulate so much stuff...but why? Why did I need that third belt when I already had two that were just fine? And why did I have to get one more pair of shoes or a purse when I have zillions laying around my bedroom?
I'm so thankful that my parents have taught me that mere things mean nothing in the end. I don't ever want to take anything I have for granted and I always want to appreciate it all, because it is a beautiful and wonderful gift from God. I never want to find myself so consumed in what I have [or don't have] that I forget to love people.
Because that's what it's all about...
...and sometimes I do forget.
Love,
Steph
"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude." -D. Waitley
"This time, like all times, is the best of times, if we but know what to do with it." - R.W. Emerson
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Dear Mr. and Mrs. _____,
The first round of my friends have begun the journey into marriage...
WHAT!?
I feel like I've been throwing around the phrase "We're only __ years old, how can they be getting married already?" for years, and the older I get, the more void it has become. People that are 19 and 20 are beginning their journey into a life of Mr. and Mrs. and that is shocking to me.
I've just begun figuring out who I am as a person. Marriage requires knowing and loving yourself enough to open up every single piece of yourself and give it all to another human being who is going through the same thing at exactly the same pace. That just sounds difficult, let alone DOING it. I feel like at this point in my life, getting married would be a highly selfish thing to do. And I'm not fully convinced I could open every piece of myself to another person to the extent that is necessary for a healthy marriage at this point.
I don't ever want marriage to be merely the next thing that I'm supposed to do in my life, and I think that may be what's happening with a large amount of young couples today. I want to be so sure of myself that I am making the right decision and I want to do it because we're ready, not just because that's what couples are supposed to do at a certain age. Marriage is something that is so sacred to me, and I know that when I get married, I want it to be forever [and I'm not trying to throw out a cliche here].
I hope that I'm wrong about these young couples, and I really hope that their marriages work out beautifully. I just know that marriage to me is an overwhelmingly important decision that I take very seriously.
Anyhow, just some thoughts.
And I love weddings. :)
Love,
Steph
WHAT!?
I feel like I've been throwing around the phrase "We're only __ years old, how can they be getting married already?" for years, and the older I get, the more void it has become. People that are 19 and 20 are beginning their journey into a life of Mr. and Mrs. and that is shocking to me.
I've just begun figuring out who I am as a person. Marriage requires knowing and loving yourself enough to open up every single piece of yourself and give it all to another human being who is going through the same thing at exactly the same pace. That just sounds difficult, let alone DOING it. I feel like at this point in my life, getting married would be a highly selfish thing to do. And I'm not fully convinced I could open every piece of myself to another person to the extent that is necessary for a healthy marriage at this point.
I don't ever want marriage to be merely the next thing that I'm supposed to do in my life, and I think that may be what's happening with a large amount of young couples today. I want to be so sure of myself that I am making the right decision and I want to do it because we're ready, not just because that's what couples are supposed to do at a certain age. Marriage is something that is so sacred to me, and I know that when I get married, I want it to be forever [and I'm not trying to throw out a cliche here].
I hope that I'm wrong about these young couples, and I really hope that their marriages work out beautifully. I just know that marriage to me is an overwhelmingly important decision that I take very seriously.
Anyhow, just some thoughts.
And I love weddings. :)
Love,
Steph
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
A Hundred Visions and Revisions
"There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands.
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea."
-From "The Love Song of J.Alfred Prufrock" by T.S. Eliot
I am in love with this little snippet from TS Eliot. It's brilliant, and I feel like I can really relate to it these days.
I'm going to be 20, and as John Mayer would so elegantly say "please, stop this train." It's a strange and unfortunate phenomenon that time seems to pass faster and faster as I grow older. I'm already through 1/4 of the "best years of my life" and that is just really frightening I guess.
It's just sort of scary that we're all growing up. No more high school, no more being "the freshman," no more calling for Mommy and Daddy's help when you get into trouble [ok, i'll probably never stop asking my mommy and daddy for help :P...but you get what I'm saying]. I absolutely love the independence of college and of being a 19 [almost 20] year old woman, but the responsibility that comes along isn't always so fun. I'm being forced to step up and take charge of situations that I've always felt comfortable being in the background of. I mean it really all started when my grandma got really sick in June, but I'm still not quite comfortable with the idea of total responsibility. It's new. It's overwhelming. But I'm growing up.
However, I love the part of the poem that says,
"Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And a hundred visions and revisions."
It really touches me at the place I am in life currently. Time is passing so quickly, yet, I have so much to look forward to in the future [and really, the near future]. While I strive to live in full color day to day and I think I do a pretty good job of it, I have hundreds of visions for the future and a heart full of plans that I can't wait to begin.
I guess I've been in a real short-term mode though lately, which has driven me to stop, re-group, and get a look at the bigger picture within my life. I've been stressing over the little things, about not having a job or car or a plan for the summer. But it's so much bigger than that, you know? I've realized that I can only try so much to control what is going on in my life - I mean I can apply for jobs, work to find a car, and all that jazz. But ultimately, I have no control over these things and I guess there is no use stressing over them. God WILL provide. He always does. And the only thing I can ask for is the wisdom to do the right thing with what I've been given.
In essence, I'm trying to look more long-term and plan for the future as well as become more comfortable being an adult, because I've been entirely neglecting that and it has landed me exactly where I am. I've come to terms with being an RA next year, a chance to act as a sort of mini-mom to a floor of students just like me. I've been praying a lot about it, and God's been screaming in my face that this is exactly what I need to be doing with my time next year. And let's face it, it's paying for me to stay at IU. And along with that, I'm really looking forward to Cru Band. I'll be a busy girl next year, but I'm ok with busy. I'm also ok with the responsibility I guess.
These next few months are going to be big growing months for me I think. I'm going to try to focus on the bigger picture while maintaining a healthy grasp of the short term [but not dwelling on the unavoidable]. I also want to start taking a more serious look at my future, and getting a more concrete, viable plan in place.
I think I can do it.
Love,
Steph
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands.
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea."
-From "The Love Song of J.Alfred Prufrock" by T.S. Eliot
I am in love with this little snippet from TS Eliot. It's brilliant, and I feel like I can really relate to it these days.
I'm going to be 20, and as John Mayer would so elegantly say "please, stop this train." It's a strange and unfortunate phenomenon that time seems to pass faster and faster as I grow older. I'm already through 1/4 of the "best years of my life" and that is just really frightening I guess.
It's just sort of scary that we're all growing up. No more high school, no more being "the freshman," no more calling for Mommy and Daddy's help when you get into trouble [ok, i'll probably never stop asking my mommy and daddy for help :P...but you get what I'm saying]. I absolutely love the independence of college and of being a 19 [almost 20] year old woman, but the responsibility that comes along isn't always so fun. I'm being forced to step up and take charge of situations that I've always felt comfortable being in the background of. I mean it really all started when my grandma got really sick in June, but I'm still not quite comfortable with the idea of total responsibility. It's new. It's overwhelming. But I'm growing up.
However, I love the part of the poem that says,
"Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And a hundred visions and revisions."
It really touches me at the place I am in life currently. Time is passing so quickly, yet, I have so much to look forward to in the future [and really, the near future]. While I strive to live in full color day to day and I think I do a pretty good job of it, I have hundreds of visions for the future and a heart full of plans that I can't wait to begin.
I guess I've been in a real short-term mode though lately, which has driven me to stop, re-group, and get a look at the bigger picture within my life. I've been stressing over the little things, about not having a job or car or a plan for the summer. But it's so much bigger than that, you know? I've realized that I can only try so much to control what is going on in my life - I mean I can apply for jobs, work to find a car, and all that jazz. But ultimately, I have no control over these things and I guess there is no use stressing over them. God WILL provide. He always does. And the only thing I can ask for is the wisdom to do the right thing with what I've been given.
In essence, I'm trying to look more long-term and plan for the future as well as become more comfortable being an adult, because I've been entirely neglecting that and it has landed me exactly where I am. I've come to terms with being an RA next year, a chance to act as a sort of mini-mom to a floor of students just like me. I've been praying a lot about it, and God's been screaming in my face that this is exactly what I need to be doing with my time next year. And let's face it, it's paying for me to stay at IU. And along with that, I'm really looking forward to Cru Band. I'll be a busy girl next year, but I'm ok with busy. I'm also ok with the responsibility I guess.
These next few months are going to be big growing months for me I think. I'm going to try to focus on the bigger picture while maintaining a healthy grasp of the short term [but not dwelling on the unavoidable]. I also want to start taking a more serious look at my future, and getting a more concrete, viable plan in place.
I think I can do it.
Love,
Steph
Monday, May 18, 2009
James, the Martyr
It's 1:33am. I had Red Amp...
Erin and I decided that we were going to study the first chapter of James this week and talk about it on Sunday. I dove in right away and absolutely loved it. James is about taking action, and I'm all about that.
The part that really caught my eye was verse 17. My version says,
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."
This just really opened my eyes. God places many challenges in our lives, twisting and turning the path that we once thought was the correct one. It's so hard, but we can find so much hope in this passage. For it states that "every good and perfect gift is from above" and I think that is so awesome. Every challenge, every hardship, every break in the path is a beautiful and wonderful gift from God, and though it may be disguised in an unusual or even terrifying form, every trial in our lives has beauty within it. And the cool thing is, it's our job to discover it.
James draws a striking parallel between persevering through trials and joy. He tells us that persevering through these trials that God gives to us will lead to a maturation and completion within our relationship with God. How stinkin' awesome is that?! God throws us curve balls with the ultimate plan of allowing us to grow and maximize the joy within our hearts.
God may throw many different "gifts" our way but we can all be certain that He will never tempt us, and I guess that makes it easy for us really. James 1:13 says that, "God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone." And though it's something I've never really though about, it seems entirely straightforward to me. This verse assures us directly that any temptation we face is from the enemy and will never foster an outpouring of God's love. I feel like that seems so simple? But why is it so hard sometimes to ignore those temptations even though we know for a fact they are not glorifying God?
It must be because we're human.
God is so huge.
It's 2:07am.
Love,
Steph
Erin and I decided that we were going to study the first chapter of James this week and talk about it on Sunday. I dove in right away and absolutely loved it. James is about taking action, and I'm all about that.
The part that really caught my eye was verse 17. My version says,
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."
This just really opened my eyes. God places many challenges in our lives, twisting and turning the path that we once thought was the correct one. It's so hard, but we can find so much hope in this passage. For it states that "every good and perfect gift is from above" and I think that is so awesome. Every challenge, every hardship, every break in the path is a beautiful and wonderful gift from God, and though it may be disguised in an unusual or even terrifying form, every trial in our lives has beauty within it. And the cool thing is, it's our job to discover it.
James draws a striking parallel between persevering through trials and joy. He tells us that persevering through these trials that God gives to us will lead to a maturation and completion within our relationship with God. How stinkin' awesome is that?! God throws us curve balls with the ultimate plan of allowing us to grow and maximize the joy within our hearts.
God may throw many different "gifts" our way but we can all be certain that He will never tempt us, and I guess that makes it easy for us really. James 1:13 says that, "God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone." And though it's something I've never really though about, it seems entirely straightforward to me. This verse assures us directly that any temptation we face is from the enemy and will never foster an outpouring of God's love. I feel like that seems so simple? But why is it so hard sometimes to ignore those temptations even though we know for a fact they are not glorifying God?
It must be because we're human.
God is so huge.
It's 2:07am.
Love,
Steph
Sunday, May 17, 2009
A Basement of all Basements
It's been a weird, stressful, interesting weekend, and I feel a pressing desire to write about it.
Thursday was the last "Kacie Party" at her old house before the big move, and with that came an overwhelming pool of emotions that I'm not really sure how to handle. Kacie's house has always been my safe haven, the place where I know I can always walk in the front door without knocking or open the fridge and grab a Coke Zero without feeling like I'm intruding. But more than that, Kacie's house has offered me a place to safely grow amongst a group of wonderful, loving friends. This group has changed a lot over the years - some people are there for a few hours, others for years. But we all relate. We all can say "I have been to Kacie's house" and that is a rare and beautiful thing.
Being a part of the original group that first inhabited Kacie's basement, I can say that my feelings towards the basement have fluctuated over the past 8 years. I love the basement [well not necessarily the basement, but the memories that accompany it]. But there were times when I didn't love the basement so much, when all I wanted to do was run away from the basement as fast as I could and not look back. When I wanted to run away from everything that once made me who I was, and find the true me apart from the just the basement.
And I did. And looking back, running away was everything I needed. However, I've grown to love and appreciate the place where a majority of my teenage memories took place as well as the people in them. I've been more than blessed to have a place where I can laugh till 3am watching ridiculous horror films, play rockband [even though I pretty much suck] without being made fun of [maliciously], and share my deepest thoughts. While I don't think I really need a basement to do this, this was THE place that all of these memories unfolded.
We moved all of Kacie's things into the new house [which is beautiful by the way], and went home for a little break. I got a call at 5:15 or so from Kacie telling me that her house was on fire. On fire. Like, REAL fire. I quickly drove to her house, parked, and ran to Kacie and her mom as the smoke billowed from my teenage hangout spot. It was devastating. I felt like MY house was burning. I can't even describe to you what I felt, let alone what Kacie and her mom were feeling. It was like a nightmare.
So just as we were coping with the idea of Kacie moving into a different house, our teenage home burnt down.
It's been a crazy weekend. It really has. All I can do is pray it out, and let God and time work their magic. Please pray for Kacie and her family...if I'm struggling this much, I can only imagine the pain and struggles that her family are going through.
Along with this, I've felt an overall discontentment with being home. And don't get me wrong, it has nothing to do with the people here or my home in general, it's just the idea of not being there. I'm miss the fellowship we established at school, the broad range of opportunities offered to me daily. When I'm home, I miss IU. And honestly, that last week at IU was very nearly hell. I can't win, and I don't know what to do to make it better? I'm hoping that time will work it out.
I just really dislike the person I am here at home - it's not the real me, the one who works to glorify the Lord in everything I start and finish. It's so weird. Lacking the constant accountability from those around me has truly showed me the depths of my relationship with the Lord, and at this point, I'm realizing that it's a lot more shallow than I thought it was. I'm realizing I guess that it is going to take a lot more work than I had planned in order to grow my relationship with Christ over the summer. I'm not sure I'm ready to be thrown out on my own with this one, but I'm just going to trust that God knows what's best for me right now - even if that means I'm somewhat discontent. I miss that accountability, and the strength I acquired over the past few months within my fellowship.
Met with Erin Bowles at Starbucks and had a beautiful chat with her! I'm really looking forward to our weekly chats. I love her!
I also talked with my mom tonight. She always makes me feel better!
God Bless You.
Love,
Steph
Thursday was the last "Kacie Party" at her old house before the big move, and with that came an overwhelming pool of emotions that I'm not really sure how to handle. Kacie's house has always been my safe haven, the place where I know I can always walk in the front door without knocking or open the fridge and grab a Coke Zero without feeling like I'm intruding. But more than that, Kacie's house has offered me a place to safely grow amongst a group of wonderful, loving friends. This group has changed a lot over the years - some people are there for a few hours, others for years. But we all relate. We all can say "I have been to Kacie's house" and that is a rare and beautiful thing.
Being a part of the original group that first inhabited Kacie's basement, I can say that my feelings towards the basement have fluctuated over the past 8 years. I love the basement [well not necessarily the basement, but the memories that accompany it]. But there were times when I didn't love the basement so much, when all I wanted to do was run away from the basement as fast as I could and not look back. When I wanted to run away from everything that once made me who I was, and find the true me apart from the just the basement.
And I did. And looking back, running away was everything I needed. However, I've grown to love and appreciate the place where a majority of my teenage memories took place as well as the people in them. I've been more than blessed to have a place where I can laugh till 3am watching ridiculous horror films, play rockband [even though I pretty much suck] without being made fun of [maliciously], and share my deepest thoughts. While I don't think I really need a basement to do this, this was THE place that all of these memories unfolded.
We moved all of Kacie's things into the new house [which is beautiful by the way], and went home for a little break. I got a call at 5:15 or so from Kacie telling me that her house was on fire. On fire. Like, REAL fire. I quickly drove to her house, parked, and ran to Kacie and her mom as the smoke billowed from my teenage hangout spot. It was devastating. I felt like MY house was burning. I can't even describe to you what I felt, let alone what Kacie and her mom were feeling. It was like a nightmare.
So just as we were coping with the idea of Kacie moving into a different house, our teenage home burnt down.
It's been a crazy weekend. It really has. All I can do is pray it out, and let God and time work their magic. Please pray for Kacie and her family...if I'm struggling this much, I can only imagine the pain and struggles that her family are going through.
Along with this, I've felt an overall discontentment with being home. And don't get me wrong, it has nothing to do with the people here or my home in general, it's just the idea of not being there. I'm miss the fellowship we established at school, the broad range of opportunities offered to me daily. When I'm home, I miss IU. And honestly, that last week at IU was very nearly hell. I can't win, and I don't know what to do to make it better? I'm hoping that time will work it out.
I just really dislike the person I am here at home - it's not the real me, the one who works to glorify the Lord in everything I start and finish. It's so weird. Lacking the constant accountability from those around me has truly showed me the depths of my relationship with the Lord, and at this point, I'm realizing that it's a lot more shallow than I thought it was. I'm realizing I guess that it is going to take a lot more work than I had planned in order to grow my relationship with Christ over the summer. I'm not sure I'm ready to be thrown out on my own with this one, but I'm just going to trust that God knows what's best for me right now - even if that means I'm somewhat discontent. I miss that accountability, and the strength I acquired over the past few months within my fellowship.
Met with Erin Bowles at Starbucks and had a beautiful chat with her! I'm really looking forward to our weekly chats. I love her!
I also talked with my mom tonight. She always makes me feel better!
God Bless You.
Love,
Steph
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