A Hundred Visions and Revisions

"There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands.
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea."
-From "The Love Song of J.Alfred Prufrock" by T.S. Eliot

I am in love with this little snippet from TS Eliot. It's brilliant, and I feel like I can really relate to it these days.

I'm going to be 20, and as John Mayer would so elegantly say "please, stop this train." It's a strange and unfortunate phenomenon that time seems to pass faster and faster as I grow older. I'm already through 1/4 of the "best years of my life" and that is just really frightening I guess.

It's just sort of scary that we're all growing up. No more high school, no more being "the freshman," no more calling for Mommy and Daddy's help when you get into trouble [ok, i'll probably never stop asking my mommy and daddy for help :P...but you get what I'm saying]. I absolutely love the independence of college and of being a 19 [almost 20] year old woman, but the responsibility that comes along isn't always so fun. I'm being forced to step up and take charge of situations that I've always felt comfortable being in the background of. I mean it really all started when my grandma got really sick in June, but I'm still not quite comfortable with the idea of total responsibility. It's new. It's overwhelming. But I'm growing up.

However, I love the part of the poem that says,
"Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And a hundred visions and revisions."

It really touches me at the place I am in life currently. Time is passing so quickly, yet, I have so much to look forward to in the future [and really, the near future]. While I strive to live in full color day to day and I think I do a pretty good job of it, I have hundreds of visions for the future and a heart full of plans that I can't wait to begin.

I guess I've been in a real short-term mode though lately, which has driven me to stop, re-group, and get a look at the bigger picture within my life. I've been stressing over the little things, about not having a job or car or a plan for the summer. But it's so much bigger than that, you know? I've realized that I can only try so much to control what is going on in my life - I mean I can apply for jobs, work to find a car, and all that jazz. But ultimately, I have no control over these things and I guess there is no use stressing over them. God WILL provide. He always does. And the only thing I can ask for is the wisdom to do the right thing with what I've been given.

In essence, I'm trying to look more long-term and plan for the future as well as become more comfortable being an adult, because I've been entirely neglecting that and it has landed me exactly where I am. I've come to terms with being an RA next year, a chance to act as a sort of mini-mom to a floor of students just like me. I've been praying a lot about it, and God's been screaming in my face that this is exactly what I need to be doing with my time next year. And let's face it, it's paying for me to stay at IU. And along with that, I'm really looking forward to Cru Band. I'll be a busy girl next year, but I'm ok with busy. I'm also ok with the responsibility I guess.

These next few months are going to be big growing months for me I think. I'm going to try to focus on the bigger picture while maintaining a healthy grasp of the short term [but not dwelling on the unavoidable]. I also want to start taking a more serious look at my future, and getting a more concrete, viable plan in place.

I think I can do it.

Love,
Steph