I've been so blind, so terribly blind.
It's been such a weird few months in my life. I have felt so...defeated. It's the only word that comes to mind. Just defeated. I feel the Holy Spirit moving around me, and I feel like in light of many recent circumstances I've grown leaps and bounds in my relationship with the Lord.
But still I feel like I'm running, screaming out His name, calling to Him to catch me when I feel like I'm falling so hard. And in so many ways, I feel like God is so far away.
Recently in a conversation with a good friend of mine, I've realized how undeniably mistaken I've been to assert that God is the one that is far away. God isn't far away at all; It's me whose been closing my eyes but still expecting to see Him radically changing me.
We aren't the ones running after God at all, but instead HE is pursuing us. He's romancing us in a way a man romances a woman. He desires more than anything to be in a relationship with us. And when we feel that God is no where to be seen or felt, it's because we aren't looking right in front of us. We've closed our eyes and hid our head under the pillow, but still expected to be able to see what is going on around us. And I've been aimlessly wandering around looking for the God who has been standing in the same place all along.
Sometimes I feel like it takes an amazing talk with a friend or a beautiful story about an orphanage in Mexico or an encouraging story about how God is working in someone else's life for me to lift my hands to the Lord and give Him thanks, but that can't be enough. God isn't JUST in the amazing things where we can so blatantly see His work. He's in everything; He's in the Brooke Fraser song playing on my stereo right now, He's in the yummy smelling candle right next to me. He's in EVERYTHING. And I want to live a life that appreciates Him and all He provides me with.
And it's so up to us to recognize His pursuit.
But when things don't go the way you've planned, when your heart gets broken, when life takes an unexpected twist, it's hard not to want to close your eyes sometimes. It's hard to always see beauty in everything around you when continually feel a cloud of darkness following you around. But this, I've learned, is the time when I must reach out to Him the most.
David asks God in Psalm 17: 8 to "keep me as the apple of your eye," and I absolutely love this wording. It brings so much comfort to me to know that I, Stephanie Ann Bradley, am the apple of God's eye. How freaking amazing is that? God is romancing us everyday and just loving on us the most perfect way possible ALL THE TIME.
God is always there. He is always pursuing us and romancing us. But it's up to us to open our eyes and praise Him in everything in this life.
And He's the only thing we've got that is immovable, unshakeable, and perfectly reliable.
I, the Lord, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness. Isaiah 42:6-7
I love you guys.
Steph
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Use me, Lord.
What an interesting and trying past couple months it has been. And i'm nowhere near being all put back into place - but probably more broken than I was the last time I wrote.
I'm just going to be blunt here. I am going to do missions work with orphans in the near future. I don't know what that looks like nor how i'm ever going to pay for it. I don't know how I can even make an impact there. But after Sunday night, I have just felt this tug on my heart saying, "Steph, you are meant to do missions work outside of home. You are meant for sharing love with little ones and their broken families." I've been blessed with a wonderful and loving family, and I must share the love of God that I feel with these precious little children who have never felt the support of a family. I want to just love on them and play with them and rejoice in the Lord with them. And let me just tell you, I know this came from the Lord because I have no idea where else it came from. And the message is just screaming in my face.
I've also been thinking that some sort of work with poverty-striken single mothers around my age would be really awesome and that I could make a difference in that area. I don't exactly know what that means, but I think I could help to give those women back a bit of empowerment and confidence to make change in this world [with the help of God of course!]
I've been looking up some places to go - throwing around summer projects, ECC affiliated missionaries, etc. I don't know where God is taking me with this. I don't know if it will even ever work out. I don't know why it's been placed so heavily on my heart, but when I got to thinking about it, doing missions work this summer would work out absolutely perfectly. See, I've been really torn as to what my plans for this summer are going to be. I've thought about staying in Btown and working all summer, maybe grabbing two jobs and sub-leasing an apartment. I've thought about being a summer RA and taking a class or two. I've thought about going home and picking up another job along with my job at Victoria's Secret. But none of these things have really felt right. The only thing that feels right is bringing missions work into the equation.
I might just look around myself and take a leap of faith in moving somewhere over the summer and just seeing where I can be used. It would be scary, but I think it would be so worth it.
I'm so broken. Since the summer, God has been slowly breaking me in an effort to shuffle the pieces around a bit and put them back together in a way that will glorify Him. IT SUCKS and it hurts, but I know it's right. And thank you God for that.
Please pray for me. I don't generally ask for prayers, but I really need them right now.
Love you guys! :)
I'm just going to be blunt here. I am going to do missions work with orphans in the near future. I don't know what that looks like nor how i'm ever going to pay for it. I don't know how I can even make an impact there. But after Sunday night, I have just felt this tug on my heart saying, "Steph, you are meant to do missions work outside of home. You are meant for sharing love with little ones and their broken families." I've been blessed with a wonderful and loving family, and I must share the love of God that I feel with these precious little children who have never felt the support of a family. I want to just love on them and play with them and rejoice in the Lord with them. And let me just tell you, I know this came from the Lord because I have no idea where else it came from. And the message is just screaming in my face.
I've also been thinking that some sort of work with poverty-striken single mothers around my age would be really awesome and that I could make a difference in that area. I don't exactly know what that means, but I think I could help to give those women back a bit of empowerment and confidence to make change in this world [with the help of God of course!]
I've been looking up some places to go - throwing around summer projects, ECC affiliated missionaries, etc. I don't know where God is taking me with this. I don't know if it will even ever work out. I don't know why it's been placed so heavily on my heart, but when I got to thinking about it, doing missions work this summer would work out absolutely perfectly. See, I've been really torn as to what my plans for this summer are going to be. I've thought about staying in Btown and working all summer, maybe grabbing two jobs and sub-leasing an apartment. I've thought about being a summer RA and taking a class or two. I've thought about going home and picking up another job along with my job at Victoria's Secret. But none of these things have really felt right. The only thing that feels right is bringing missions work into the equation.
I might just look around myself and take a leap of faith in moving somewhere over the summer and just seeing where I can be used. It would be scary, but I think it would be so worth it.
I'm so broken. Since the summer, God has been slowly breaking me in an effort to shuffle the pieces around a bit and put them back together in a way that will glorify Him. IT SUCKS and it hurts, but I know it's right. And thank you God for that.
Please pray for me. I don't generally ask for prayers, but I really need them right now.
Love you guys! :)
Monday, August 17, 2009
Hoo-Hoo-Hoo-Hoosiers!
Here's a picture of all of the '09-'10 RA's at Indiana University! I'm in the first row, third person from the right! :)Sunday, August 9, 2009
The African Children's Choir
I appreciate music - I feel the most connected to God through it, and have devoted much of my life to creating it.
And this morning at Pathway, I experienced a miracle. That miracle is called the African Children's Choir.
Let me fill you in on what this choir is all about...
The African Children's Choir was founded in 1984 admist a bloody civil war in Uganda by Ray Barnett, a human right's activist committed to aiding children growing up in poverty within Africa. Ray was blessed with the idea to create a choir for children between 8-12 years old in efforts to get them off the streets and gaining knowledge to survive in the world. Most of these children have lost one or even both of their parents and live in extreme poverty. This choir has given these children a chance to be a part of something bigger than Africa, something that unites us all as human - God.
I cried throughout the whole concert; I just couldn't help myself. I felt such a connection to these children from Africa. They are just small children and have struggled through so much more than most of us ever will in a lifetime, but they still have the will to sing their hearts out for our Lord and to give thanks to Him. These kids are awesome. What an inspiration!
One of the most beautiful parts of the morning was listening to a little Caucasian girl sitting next to me sing along with the African children. What a beautiful juxtaposition and what a testament to the connectedness of humanity.
My heart was filled with an overwhleming joy this morning, and I was truly happy. It was a life-changing moment for me, and I just feel like I'm off to a fresh new start.
Please, if you get the chance, visit http://www.africanchildrenschoir.com/ and check out what they're about. Youtube them and listen to some of their stuff. It's so great.
God Bless you all.
Love,
Steph
And this morning at Pathway, I experienced a miracle. That miracle is called the African Children's Choir.
Let me fill you in on what this choir is all about...
The African Children's Choir was founded in 1984 admist a bloody civil war in Uganda by Ray Barnett, a human right's activist committed to aiding children growing up in poverty within Africa. Ray was blessed with the idea to create a choir for children between 8-12 years old in efforts to get them off the streets and gaining knowledge to survive in the world. Most of these children have lost one or even both of their parents and live in extreme poverty. This choir has given these children a chance to be a part of something bigger than Africa, something that unites us all as human - God.
I cried throughout the whole concert; I just couldn't help myself. I felt such a connection to these children from Africa. They are just small children and have struggled through so much more than most of us ever will in a lifetime, but they still have the will to sing their hearts out for our Lord and to give thanks to Him. These kids are awesome. What an inspiration!
One of the most beautiful parts of the morning was listening to a little Caucasian girl sitting next to me sing along with the African children. What a beautiful juxtaposition and what a testament to the connectedness of humanity.
My heart was filled with an overwhleming joy this morning, and I was truly happy. It was a life-changing moment for me, and I just feel like I'm off to a fresh new start.
Please, if you get the chance, visit http://www.africanchildrenschoir.com/ and check out what they're about. Youtube them and listen to some of their stuff. It's so great.
God Bless you all.
Love,
Steph
Thursday, August 6, 2009
I Love You, Sometimes.
This summer has been packed full of lessons of unconditional love, and I finally understand what it truly feels like to love someone unconditionally.
It's an unavoidable fact that everyone we know is going to let us down in some way or another, big or small. And by the same token, I'm sure I have and will let down many people in my life. It's a fact of life, but it's so hard to deal with.
How does God do it?
God is let down every second by you, me and every single other person on this planet. He is disappointed when we choose to love worldly things more than we love Him or turn away from His goodness, etc.
Are you kidding me? Me being disappointed in one silly instance by one silly person seems so ridiculous and irrelevant when you step back and look at the big picture.
We sin all the time, let down God by the second, but He still says, "Hey, it's ok. I still love you no matter what." And then we do the next stupid thing and you know what He says? "Hey, it's ok. I still love you no matter what." And I bet you can guess what he said the other 8 bagillion times we screw up? Yep, you guessed it!
What a testament to unconditional love, God!
But why isn't it that easy for me?
I feel like sometimes I have troubles forgiving, and, more than that, FORGETTING. I know they say a wise person forgives but never forgets [or something like that] but I'm pretty sure those two go hand in hand. How can you say that you fully forgive someone if you are still dwelling upon the issue? And how are you still loving a person unconditionally if that issue is constantly being held over their head? And that's not fair.
God instructs us in Ephesians 5:1-2 [my absolute favorite verse] to "be imitators of God, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up as a frangrant offering and sacrifice to God." God wants us to love unconditionally just as He does. He wants us to forgive and forget, and genuinely love that person [and that person could be yourself!] struggles and all.
He orders us to be imitators of Himself! What a job.
The simple truth is, it's not so difficult to love people unconditionally. It's the central message of the Bible and one of the earliest lessons you learn in life.
But it takes a good dose of realizing that it's not about you. It's about loving that person maybe even a little bit more when they're struggling. It's about doing whatever it takes to forgive and forget, to strengthen the relationship God has gifted to you. It's about focused, intense prayer for that person. And most of all, it's about having FAITH in that person and knowing that they are going to make it through.
The trick is to love as a warrior of God. To remember that it is what God would do.
It's a struggle. It always will be. But i'm working on it.
I would love to just listen if you need to talk through your struggles or even to be your prayer warrior!
Love,
Steph
It's an unavoidable fact that everyone we know is going to let us down in some way or another, big or small. And by the same token, I'm sure I have and will let down many people in my life. It's a fact of life, but it's so hard to deal with.
How does God do it?
God is let down every second by you, me and every single other person on this planet. He is disappointed when we choose to love worldly things more than we love Him or turn away from His goodness, etc.
Are you kidding me? Me being disappointed in one silly instance by one silly person seems so ridiculous and irrelevant when you step back and look at the big picture.
We sin all the time, let down God by the second, but He still says, "Hey, it's ok. I still love you no matter what." And then we do the next stupid thing and you know what He says? "Hey, it's ok. I still love you no matter what." And I bet you can guess what he said the other 8 bagillion times we screw up? Yep, you guessed it!
What a testament to unconditional love, God!
But why isn't it that easy for me?
I feel like sometimes I have troubles forgiving, and, more than that, FORGETTING. I know they say a wise person forgives but never forgets [or something like that] but I'm pretty sure those two go hand in hand. How can you say that you fully forgive someone if you are still dwelling upon the issue? And how are you still loving a person unconditionally if that issue is constantly being held over their head? And that's not fair.
God instructs us in Ephesians 5:1-2 [my absolute favorite verse] to "be imitators of God, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up as a frangrant offering and sacrifice to God." God wants us to love unconditionally just as He does. He wants us to forgive and forget, and genuinely love that person [and that person could be yourself!] struggles and all.
He orders us to be imitators of Himself! What a job.
The simple truth is, it's not so difficult to love people unconditionally. It's the central message of the Bible and one of the earliest lessons you learn in life.
But it takes a good dose of realizing that it's not about you. It's about loving that person maybe even a little bit more when they're struggling. It's about doing whatever it takes to forgive and forget, to strengthen the relationship God has gifted to you. It's about focused, intense prayer for that person. And most of all, it's about having FAITH in that person and knowing that they are going to make it through.
The trick is to love as a warrior of God. To remember that it is what God would do.
It's a struggle. It always will be. But i'm working on it.
I would love to just listen if you need to talk through your struggles or even to be your prayer warrior!
Love,
Steph
Friday, July 10, 2009
Proverbs 3:5-8
I've ceased to write a new blog in a long while because I couldn't seem to form the words that explain exactly how I've been feeling. However, I've come to a sort of conclusion over the past couple days that I feel the need to write out and share.
On Wednesday, Tyler and I were driving around when we decided on a whim to drive up to Goshen to visit our friend Michael. It was a nice drive, a wonderful day, and great to see Michael. However, two moments within that trip have served quite a larger purpose in resolving my long-term discontentment that I've been experiencing these past few months.
On the way down, Tyler asked me to call Mrs. Clark, and I resisted entirely. And if you know me, you know this is so unlike me. But I knew exactly what she was going to tell me, and I wasn't sure I was ready to hear it. However, she shared a few words of wisdom that have really stuck with me. She told me that I'm in a sort of "spiritual desert" right now, and I find much truth in that. I feel like I've hit a wall being back here at home that is preventing me from growing in my relationship with Christ, and even regressing to the person I used to be, and that has been so much of my struggle lately. I know that I don't want to go back to who I used to be. I know what I should be doing, I know I should be spending time in the Word, finding a fellowship to connect with, heck going to church on the weekly, but I can't seem to bring myself to do these things. It feels like so much work, and I hate that.
So anyhow we get to Michael's house and of course I had to go to the bathroom. In the bathroom I noticed that Michael's mom had a little notebook full of Bible verses and Wednesday's verse was flipped to Proverbs 3:5-8 which says,
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones."
It was unreal the awesomeness and fear I felt for the Lord when I read this fitting verse in Michael's bathroom. I guess I have been so caught up in me and how I feel that I've been blind to the ways that the Lord is working in my life. And as Erin so kindly reminded me, no matter how empty I feel or how distant I feel I am with God, he never stops working in me, molding me from day to day. He never leaves, He never fails. So this wall I feel like I've hit is non-existent. I'm always going to be growing in my relationship with Him no matter how far away I feel from Him, and that is such a reassuring and wonderful gift. He has been working all along, maybe just in little ways, but He HAS been there. But I've just forgotten to fear Him, I've forgotten the awesomeness and hugeness of Him.
And who am I to think that I can handle anything on my own?
In James 4:4 he says, "Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God." Spending time dwelling in my unhappiness with people or my unsatisfaction with the way my life is right now is pushing me away from the Lord, and I can feel that. There is no reason for me to be upset about how things are going within my life because God has a plan for me. There is an absolute reason for why my life is taking the course that it is, and I need to be ok with that and trust Him with it.
I am so small.
I know that but I forget.
It shouldn't be about me at all.
I know that but I forget.
Love,
Steph
On Wednesday, Tyler and I were driving around when we decided on a whim to drive up to Goshen to visit our friend Michael. It was a nice drive, a wonderful day, and great to see Michael. However, two moments within that trip have served quite a larger purpose in resolving my long-term discontentment that I've been experiencing these past few months.
On the way down, Tyler asked me to call Mrs. Clark, and I resisted entirely. And if you know me, you know this is so unlike me. But I knew exactly what she was going to tell me, and I wasn't sure I was ready to hear it. However, she shared a few words of wisdom that have really stuck with me. She told me that I'm in a sort of "spiritual desert" right now, and I find much truth in that. I feel like I've hit a wall being back here at home that is preventing me from growing in my relationship with Christ, and even regressing to the person I used to be, and that has been so much of my struggle lately. I know that I don't want to go back to who I used to be. I know what I should be doing, I know I should be spending time in the Word, finding a fellowship to connect with, heck going to church on the weekly, but I can't seem to bring myself to do these things. It feels like so much work, and I hate that.
So anyhow we get to Michael's house and of course I had to go to the bathroom. In the bathroom I noticed that Michael's mom had a little notebook full of Bible verses and Wednesday's verse was flipped to Proverbs 3:5-8 which says,
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones."
You know, God is so cool. It's like, He sneaks in answers to our seemingly unanswerable questions if we only take the time to look for them. This simple verse answered literally all of my recent prayers, like sort of instructions as to the next steps I should take.
It was unreal the awesomeness and fear I felt for the Lord when I read this fitting verse in Michael's bathroom. I guess I have been so caught up in me and how I feel that I've been blind to the ways that the Lord is working in my life. And as Erin so kindly reminded me, no matter how empty I feel or how distant I feel I am with God, he never stops working in me, molding me from day to day. He never leaves, He never fails. So this wall I feel like I've hit is non-existent. I'm always going to be growing in my relationship with Him no matter how far away I feel from Him, and that is such a reassuring and wonderful gift. He has been working all along, maybe just in little ways, but He HAS been there. But I've just forgotten to fear Him, I've forgotten the awesomeness and hugeness of Him.
And who am I to think that I can handle anything on my own?
In James 4:4 he says, "Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God." Spending time dwelling in my unhappiness with people or my unsatisfaction with the way my life is right now is pushing me away from the Lord, and I can feel that. There is no reason for me to be upset about how things are going within my life because God has a plan for me. There is an absolute reason for why my life is taking the course that it is, and I need to be ok with that and trust Him with it.
I am so small.
I know that but I forget.
It shouldn't be about me at all.
I know that but I forget.
Love,
Steph
Thursday, June 11, 2009
A God-Shaped Vacuum
I went to Bible Study at Wallen Baptist Church last night with Miss Bowles and I really enjoyed it. We talked about chapter 2 in Tommy Nelson's A Life Well Lived which focused on Ecclesiastes 2.
Humans are creatures who consistantly pursue pleasure - not necessarily just sexual pleasure, but pleasure in general. We desire to feel satisified and find things or activities to do in which fully fulfill us. We get caught up in materialism, sexual pleasure, our work and many other tempting things in order to fulfull that looming emptiness within ourselves.
But why, at the end of the day, are these things so unfulfilling?
....
It's because we are looking to the wrong things to fulfill this void.
Blaise Pascal said, “There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every man that cannot be filled by any created being, but by God alone made known through Jesus Christ.” THIS IS SO TRUE! It's like trying to shove a square peg into a circle hole. We try so hard to fill this "God-shaped vacuum" with the created instead of the Creator. But nothing else fits.
God wants us to pursue Him because He is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him. It's not that pursuing pleasure is wrong, it's just that so much of the time we pursue the wrong pleasures.
Knowing and pursuing the Lord and feeling His love is the only thing that can fully satisfy us. It is the only thing that can bring true joy and fulfillment within our lives.
Everything else is just mediocre. It satisfies us only temporarily.
I'm not saying that it's easy to remember this because it's not. It's so much easier to just pursue whatever we feel like. It's so much easier to trust in our own selves to find earthly pleasures to fulfill ourselves.
But in Ecclesiastes 2:26, it is promiesd "to the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge, and happiness" and what else do we really need? As a Christian, it seems to me that our efforts to please ourselves stem from a lack of trust in God. We want to control our own lives instead of trusting the Lord to fulfill our needs. We just get so caught up in our wants, and we forget that everything is truly a gift.
For non-Christians, there is no reason for them not to pursue whatever pleasures they desire, and that is scary to me. I know what it's like to have no reason to do the right thing [whether you choose to or not]. Before I accepted the Lord, I did things to try to be a good person. There was no overarching purpose for anything I did, no ultimate need to act in ways that would glorify God. Looking back, that's really scary.
If you don't know God, I urge you to start exploring for yourself. It's scary and hard, but it's worth the eternal joy and fulfillment that you can only receive as a precious gift from Him. And believe me, people WANT to help you understand...I do.
And if God is all-knowing, all-loving, and all-powerful...why wouldn't we be excited to have Him in control of our lives?
Love,
Steph
Humans are creatures who consistantly pursue pleasure - not necessarily just sexual pleasure, but pleasure in general. We desire to feel satisified and find things or activities to do in which fully fulfill us. We get caught up in materialism, sexual pleasure, our work and many other tempting things in order to fulfull that looming emptiness within ourselves.
But why, at the end of the day, are these things so unfulfilling?
....
It's because we are looking to the wrong things to fulfill this void.
Blaise Pascal said, “There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every man that cannot be filled by any created being, but by God alone made known through Jesus Christ.” THIS IS SO TRUE! It's like trying to shove a square peg into a circle hole. We try so hard to fill this "God-shaped vacuum" with the created instead of the Creator. But nothing else fits.
God wants us to pursue Him because He is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him. It's not that pursuing pleasure is wrong, it's just that so much of the time we pursue the wrong pleasures.
Knowing and pursuing the Lord and feeling His love is the only thing that can fully satisfy us. It is the only thing that can bring true joy and fulfillment within our lives.
Everything else is just mediocre. It satisfies us only temporarily.
I'm not saying that it's easy to remember this because it's not. It's so much easier to just pursue whatever we feel like. It's so much easier to trust in our own selves to find earthly pleasures to fulfill ourselves.
But in Ecclesiastes 2:26, it is promiesd "to the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge, and happiness" and what else do we really need? As a Christian, it seems to me that our efforts to please ourselves stem from a lack of trust in God. We want to control our own lives instead of trusting the Lord to fulfill our needs. We just get so caught up in our wants, and we forget that everything is truly a gift.
For non-Christians, there is no reason for them not to pursue whatever pleasures they desire, and that is scary to me. I know what it's like to have no reason to do the right thing [whether you choose to or not]. Before I accepted the Lord, I did things to try to be a good person. There was no overarching purpose for anything I did, no ultimate need to act in ways that would glorify God. Looking back, that's really scary.
If you don't know God, I urge you to start exploring for yourself. It's scary and hard, but it's worth the eternal joy and fulfillment that you can only receive as a precious gift from Him. And believe me, people WANT to help you understand...I do.
And if God is all-knowing, all-loving, and all-powerful...why wouldn't we be excited to have Him in control of our lives?
Love,
Steph
Saturday, June 6, 2009
I Am So Small.
There has been an overwhelmingly reoccuring theme in my life the past few weeks. When is the right time to say something? And when do keep your mouth shut?
Sometimes, you really do say it best when you say nothing at all. But other times, saying something is the only outlet to solving those things.
But most of the time, it's just really difficult to differentiate between when to say something and when to just keep your mouth shut... and I feel like that's been an issue I've really struggled with these past couple weeks especially.
I've had a bit of a selfish streak lately, and I'm thankful that a really good friend of mine kindly brought that to my attention. I really have been selfish. I've been harboring past hurts and blaming a person for them, when really, the one thing that person needs is just to be loved. I haven't been a very faithful servant of the Lord. How could I forget to forgive? The thing is, I was entirely focused on protecting myself and fell into the gossip trap that I forgot that nothing is really about me after all. At the end of the day, I should be the example by not taking things personally and working to share God's love with this person instead of pushing them away. Because honestly, my reasons for wanting to push this person away don't stand a chance against God's love.
I've also realized that I am so far away from knowing everything, and it's very humbling. God has been really showing me lately that I still have so much to learn. With somewhat of a lack of communication and very apparent ignorance, I was ready to give up another friendship [even different then the one above] because of some things that were said [and not even to me]. Once we communicated, I realized that my perspective of the situation was only a tiny ounce of the entire story, and that God was really hard at work the entire time. I was thinking of my own feelings and how it affected me, but not of anyone else's in the situation. I thought this person should have just kept their mouth shut, but in fact, this person saying those things may have been the best thing that they could have done.
I am so small. He is so big. and I love that He faithfully reminds me of that.
God has thrown a lot of big stuff my way recently [and I kinda feel like He always does], but I have learned so much and i'm thankful for it all....every bit of it. Tyler told me tonight that it's going to be ok, and for some reason, after hearing that a bagillion times from other people, hearing it from him confirmed it in my mind. It really is going to be ok. It will always be ok.
I may not have the same weaknesses as most girls do, but I have my own weaknesses that I'm constantly working on and struggling with. Like I mentioned earlier, I have the tendency to overreact as a outpouring of my own selfishness, and I'm really trying to work on that. I sometimes tend to lack in communication skills, but I have hope that I'm getting better at that too. I'm working but I know it's going to take awhile as well as people holding me accountable.
But it will be ok. I'll be just fine. And I'm just gonna pray, pray, pray.
I also am gonna give a little shout out to Tyler because I love him. I was gonna write this whole blog about him but I decided to give God a bigger shout out...[sorry Princess Ni Ni Lover].
I have so much to say that I don't want to share with the world....I'm gonna go journal.
Oh, Life.
Love,
Steph
Sometimes, you really do say it best when you say nothing at all. But other times, saying something is the only outlet to solving those things.
But most of the time, it's just really difficult to differentiate between when to say something and when to just keep your mouth shut... and I feel like that's been an issue I've really struggled with these past couple weeks especially.
I've had a bit of a selfish streak lately, and I'm thankful that a really good friend of mine kindly brought that to my attention. I really have been selfish. I've been harboring past hurts and blaming a person for them, when really, the one thing that person needs is just to be loved. I haven't been a very faithful servant of the Lord. How could I forget to forgive? The thing is, I was entirely focused on protecting myself and fell into the gossip trap that I forgot that nothing is really about me after all. At the end of the day, I should be the example by not taking things personally and working to share God's love with this person instead of pushing them away. Because honestly, my reasons for wanting to push this person away don't stand a chance against God's love.
I've also realized that I am so far away from knowing everything, and it's very humbling. God has been really showing me lately that I still have so much to learn. With somewhat of a lack of communication and very apparent ignorance, I was ready to give up another friendship [even different then the one above] because of some things that were said [and not even to me]. Once we communicated, I realized that my perspective of the situation was only a tiny ounce of the entire story, and that God was really hard at work the entire time. I was thinking of my own feelings and how it affected me, but not of anyone else's in the situation. I thought this person should have just kept their mouth shut, but in fact, this person saying those things may have been the best thing that they could have done.
I am so small. He is so big. and I love that He faithfully reminds me of that.
God has thrown a lot of big stuff my way recently [and I kinda feel like He always does], but I have learned so much and i'm thankful for it all....every bit of it. Tyler told me tonight that it's going to be ok, and for some reason, after hearing that a bagillion times from other people, hearing it from him confirmed it in my mind. It really is going to be ok. It will always be ok.
I may not have the same weaknesses as most girls do, but I have my own weaknesses that I'm constantly working on and struggling with. Like I mentioned earlier, I have the tendency to overreact as a outpouring of my own selfishness, and I'm really trying to work on that. I sometimes tend to lack in communication skills, but I have hope that I'm getting better at that too. I'm working but I know it's going to take awhile as well as people holding me accountable.
But it will be ok. I'll be just fine. And I'm just gonna pray, pray, pray.
I also am gonna give a little shout out to Tyler because I love him. I was gonna write this whole blog about him but I decided to give God a bigger shout out...[sorry Princess Ni Ni Lover].
I have so much to say that I don't want to share with the world....I'm gonna go journal.
Oh, Life.
Love,
Steph
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
You Say it Best When You Say Nothing At All
I've been having a terrible time spelling today. I don't know what it is...
I had such a lovely time [as always] with Miss Erin Bowles today, and I wanted to share a bit of what we talked about and just some random life things. I don't know, this might be a mess. But work with me :)
Tuesday, I was given the awesome opportunity to travel with my mom's fifth grade class to Chicago to go to the Museum of Science and Industry. I was given three fifth graders to chaperone, and it was a really big "grown up" moment for me. For one of the first times, I was strictly playing the role of an adult, entirely responsible for the safety of these three children. I was the one wearing the bright orange nametag with "Nebraska Elementary Chaperone" on it. Looking back, it seems like something so natural to me to lead a group of younger students, but really, it was a pivotal moment in my life. I'm an adult - wow.
It was cool though because in some respect, I felt a tiny ounce of what it feels like to be a mother [or father, for that matter]. I had to keep an eye on these three very different kids as they all looked at different things within a museum packed with other curious little ones. Like a mom, I had to allow them to explore while keeping them close to me [so they wouldn't get lost]. It was really cool to be able to have that responsibility and find out just a taste of what that's like.
On the bus ride to Chicago, I asked a 5th grader sitting in front of me if he had ever been to Chicago. I guess I asked the questions somewhat arbitrarily, expecting to hear him say "duh, everyone's been to Chicago." But instead, the boy said no, that he had never been out of Indiana [and I'm not sure really too far from Fort Wayne]. It was a really eye-opening moment for me. Having been given the opportunities to travel with my family since I was a young girl, I had just expected everyone to be the same way I guess. But these kids were experiencing their first vacation on a SCHOOL fieldtrip. It just reiterated the fact that I am so blessed.
We also passed through one of the poorest areas of Chicago, and it was really really sad. What caught my attention was the housing systems. The houses were either tiny shacks or tall apartments with many floors, all crammed together with no yards to play in. Most of the businesses, which I'm guess were once thriving, were boarded up, and there was trash everywhere, and I mean EVERYWHERE. It was so sad to me that children are growing up in these horrifying conditions. As small as it may seem, these children lack yards to play in and time to just be kids. They are forced to grow up quicker and are doing so in an environment that is so dangerous and destructive. It was really sad, and I'm not sure there is really very much being done. But what can we do? How do we solve it? I want to be a part of that answer...
I think I may have been the only person on the whole bus thinking these things, but 4 hours is a long time to think! Overall, the trip was great and the kids were awesome. :)
On the way back from breakfast, Erin and I talked a little bit about relationships and I thought she brought up a wonderful point. We talked about the idea that all relationships go through season, some closer than others, and that they aren't at all perfect. I find so much truth in that. Being in a relationship means so much more than I ever thought it really meant before I was actually in one. There are so many moments that you never want to end, but there are also times when you have to get down to it and work through things together that you maybe don't want too. There are times when you get on different pages or times that you cope with things differently. Times when the one thing that will cure you is space and maybe the next week it's intimately talking. Some periods will be closer than others but each step is more important than the one before. I love that there is change. I love that in troubling times we're given the opportunity to embrace the challenge and gain a healthier, deeper understanding of each other. But mostly, I love that love's a gift.
Ah, I have so much on my heart these days...
I'm preparing to join a Bible Study with Erin and a few other older women. I'm SO looking forward to that! I miss that fellowship, and being held accountable for my words and actions. I feel like God has just placed so many awesome people and especially women in my life, and I'm so thankful that He has led me to them! I'm really looking forward to meeting with these women and opening up my heart to them! He always provides!
I've been praying lately for grace and forgiveness. I haven't been a very good person in some areas of my life, and I recognize that I'm not being a very nice person but I still do it anyway...how dumb is that? I think I'm getting better, and sometimes, the best thing for me to say is absolutely nothing at all. I need to remind myself of that...
I need to find a job and a car soon. I feel entirely dependent and helpless...and that is such an awful feeling for me. And I have real issues in asking for rides. I don't really know what that's about.
Off to bed!
Love,
Steph
I had such a lovely time [as always] with Miss Erin Bowles today, and I wanted to share a bit of what we talked about and just some random life things. I don't know, this might be a mess. But work with me :)
Tuesday, I was given the awesome opportunity to travel with my mom's fifth grade class to Chicago to go to the Museum of Science and Industry. I was given three fifth graders to chaperone, and it was a really big "grown up" moment for me. For one of the first times, I was strictly playing the role of an adult, entirely responsible for the safety of these three children. I was the one wearing the bright orange nametag with "Nebraska Elementary Chaperone" on it. Looking back, it seems like something so natural to me to lead a group of younger students, but really, it was a pivotal moment in my life. I'm an adult - wow.
It was cool though because in some respect, I felt a tiny ounce of what it feels like to be a mother [or father, for that matter]. I had to keep an eye on these three very different kids as they all looked at different things within a museum packed with other curious little ones. Like a mom, I had to allow them to explore while keeping them close to me [so they wouldn't get lost]. It was really cool to be able to have that responsibility and find out just a taste of what that's like.
On the bus ride to Chicago, I asked a 5th grader sitting in front of me if he had ever been to Chicago. I guess I asked the questions somewhat arbitrarily, expecting to hear him say "duh, everyone's been to Chicago." But instead, the boy said no, that he had never been out of Indiana [and I'm not sure really too far from Fort Wayne]. It was a really eye-opening moment for me. Having been given the opportunities to travel with my family since I was a young girl, I had just expected everyone to be the same way I guess. But these kids were experiencing their first vacation on a SCHOOL fieldtrip. It just reiterated the fact that I am so blessed.
We also passed through one of the poorest areas of Chicago, and it was really really sad. What caught my attention was the housing systems. The houses were either tiny shacks or tall apartments with many floors, all crammed together with no yards to play in. Most of the businesses, which I'm guess were once thriving, were boarded up, and there was trash everywhere, and I mean EVERYWHERE. It was so sad to me that children are growing up in these horrifying conditions. As small as it may seem, these children lack yards to play in and time to just be kids. They are forced to grow up quicker and are doing so in an environment that is so dangerous and destructive. It was really sad, and I'm not sure there is really very much being done. But what can we do? How do we solve it? I want to be a part of that answer...
I think I may have been the only person on the whole bus thinking these things, but 4 hours is a long time to think! Overall, the trip was great and the kids were awesome. :)
On the way back from breakfast, Erin and I talked a little bit about relationships and I thought she brought up a wonderful point. We talked about the idea that all relationships go through season, some closer than others, and that they aren't at all perfect. I find so much truth in that. Being in a relationship means so much more than I ever thought it really meant before I was actually in one. There are so many moments that you never want to end, but there are also times when you have to get down to it and work through things together that you maybe don't want too. There are times when you get on different pages or times that you cope with things differently. Times when the one thing that will cure you is space and maybe the next week it's intimately talking. Some periods will be closer than others but each step is more important than the one before. I love that there is change. I love that in troubling times we're given the opportunity to embrace the challenge and gain a healthier, deeper understanding of each other. But mostly, I love that love's a gift.
Ah, I have so much on my heart these days...
I'm preparing to join a Bible Study with Erin and a few other older women. I'm SO looking forward to that! I miss that fellowship, and being held accountable for my words and actions. I feel like God has just placed so many awesome people and especially women in my life, and I'm so thankful that He has led me to them! I'm really looking forward to meeting with these women and opening up my heart to them! He always provides!
I've been praying lately for grace and forgiveness. I haven't been a very good person in some areas of my life, and I recognize that I'm not being a very nice person but I still do it anyway...how dumb is that? I think I'm getting better, and sometimes, the best thing for me to say is absolutely nothing at all. I need to remind myself of that...
I need to find a job and a car soon. I feel entirely dependent and helpless...and that is such an awful feeling for me. And I have real issues in asking for rides. I don't really know what that's about.
Off to bed!
Love,
Steph
Monday, May 25, 2009
The Best of Times
On the way up to the lake this weekend, I was given the rare opportunity to have a talk (without interruptions) with my mom and dad. It was beautiful. We talked of life, and love, and money, and beauty, and it really opened up my eyes to the true character of my parents.
We all think we know our parents. We have some wonderfully conceived idea of who our parents were both before we were born and up till now. We think we know every move they will make, what they would say in certain situations, or what they will wear to the party at work (which might be a bit embarassing). I have always respected and appreciated my parents - they have given me everything without needing anything in return, including unconditional love and support - and I will forever be greatful to them. But this weekend, I experienced a moment when I learned exactly where there heart is at in this life, and I am so thankful for that.
We got on the subject of me being an R.A. and how my they both thought I had made the right decision. My dad gracefully reminded me that sometimes we have to give things we want up in order to survive. They told me of the period when they got married; two young kids, poor and in love, eating mac & cheese nightly in order to pay the bills. Of the two children they had, though they probably couldn't afford it, but of the house they filled with love and of the walls that were decorated with finger painted pictures and crayon drawings. It seemed like the same story I had heard, not bad, just the same...until my dad said something I'll never forget. He said, "We may have had nothing, but those were some of the best times of our lives."
...........
MY PARENTS ARE MY HEROES.
...........
They inspire me. They love me. They support me. They find a way to make any situation into a good one. And I hope that someday I can be half as good of parents as they were [if that's even possible.] I learned that their hearts are in such a wonderful place. We don't need THINGS to make us happy in our house, and I'm so happy I've grown up under that notion.
We've grown up in a world crammed full of things. We "have to have" this and we "just can't live without " that. It's sickening, and I think we ALL fall into it. I've been going through my room lately and have discovered a whole slew of items that probably weren't ever on the list of needed purchases. We accumulate so much stuff...but why? Why did I need that third belt when I already had two that were just fine? And why did I have to get one more pair of shoes or a purse when I have zillions laying around my bedroom?
I'm so thankful that my parents have taught me that mere things mean nothing in the end. I don't ever want to take anything I have for granted and I always want to appreciate it all, because it is a beautiful and wonderful gift from God. I never want to find myself so consumed in what I have [or don't have] that I forget to love people.
Because that's what it's all about...
...and sometimes I do forget.
Love,
Steph
"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude." -D. Waitley
"This time, like all times, is the best of times, if we but know what to do with it." - R.W. Emerson
We all think we know our parents. We have some wonderfully conceived idea of who our parents were both before we were born and up till now. We think we know every move they will make, what they would say in certain situations, or what they will wear to the party at work (which might be a bit embarassing). I have always respected and appreciated my parents - they have given me everything without needing anything in return, including unconditional love and support - and I will forever be greatful to them. But this weekend, I experienced a moment when I learned exactly where there heart is at in this life, and I am so thankful for that.
We got on the subject of me being an R.A. and how my they both thought I had made the right decision. My dad gracefully reminded me that sometimes we have to give things we want up in order to survive. They told me of the period when they got married; two young kids, poor and in love, eating mac & cheese nightly in order to pay the bills. Of the two children they had, though they probably couldn't afford it, but of the house they filled with love and of the walls that were decorated with finger painted pictures and crayon drawings. It seemed like the same story I had heard, not bad, just the same...until my dad said something I'll never forget. He said, "We may have had nothing, but those were some of the best times of our lives."
...........
MY PARENTS ARE MY HEROES.
...........
They inspire me. They love me. They support me. They find a way to make any situation into a good one. And I hope that someday I can be half as good of parents as they were [if that's even possible.] I learned that their hearts are in such a wonderful place. We don't need THINGS to make us happy in our house, and I'm so happy I've grown up under that notion.
We've grown up in a world crammed full of things. We "have to have" this and we "just can't live without " that. It's sickening, and I think we ALL fall into it. I've been going through my room lately and have discovered a whole slew of items that probably weren't ever on the list of needed purchases. We accumulate so much stuff...but why? Why did I need that third belt when I already had two that were just fine? And why did I have to get one more pair of shoes or a purse when I have zillions laying around my bedroom?
I'm so thankful that my parents have taught me that mere things mean nothing in the end. I don't ever want to take anything I have for granted and I always want to appreciate it all, because it is a beautiful and wonderful gift from God. I never want to find myself so consumed in what I have [or don't have] that I forget to love people.
Because that's what it's all about...
...and sometimes I do forget.
Love,
Steph
"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude." -D. Waitley
"This time, like all times, is the best of times, if we but know what to do with it." - R.W. Emerson
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Dear Mr. and Mrs. _____,
The first round of my friends have begun the journey into marriage...
WHAT!?
I feel like I've been throwing around the phrase "We're only __ years old, how can they be getting married already?" for years, and the older I get, the more void it has become. People that are 19 and 20 are beginning their journey into a life of Mr. and Mrs. and that is shocking to me.
I've just begun figuring out who I am as a person. Marriage requires knowing and loving yourself enough to open up every single piece of yourself and give it all to another human being who is going through the same thing at exactly the same pace. That just sounds difficult, let alone DOING it. I feel like at this point in my life, getting married would be a highly selfish thing to do. And I'm not fully convinced I could open every piece of myself to another person to the extent that is necessary for a healthy marriage at this point.
I don't ever want marriage to be merely the next thing that I'm supposed to do in my life, and I think that may be what's happening with a large amount of young couples today. I want to be so sure of myself that I am making the right decision and I want to do it because we're ready, not just because that's what couples are supposed to do at a certain age. Marriage is something that is so sacred to me, and I know that when I get married, I want it to be forever [and I'm not trying to throw out a cliche here].
I hope that I'm wrong about these young couples, and I really hope that their marriages work out beautifully. I just know that marriage to me is an overwhelmingly important decision that I take very seriously.
Anyhow, just some thoughts.
And I love weddings. :)
Love,
Steph
WHAT!?
I feel like I've been throwing around the phrase "We're only __ years old, how can they be getting married already?" for years, and the older I get, the more void it has become. People that are 19 and 20 are beginning their journey into a life of Mr. and Mrs. and that is shocking to me.
I've just begun figuring out who I am as a person. Marriage requires knowing and loving yourself enough to open up every single piece of yourself and give it all to another human being who is going through the same thing at exactly the same pace. That just sounds difficult, let alone DOING it. I feel like at this point in my life, getting married would be a highly selfish thing to do. And I'm not fully convinced I could open every piece of myself to another person to the extent that is necessary for a healthy marriage at this point.
I don't ever want marriage to be merely the next thing that I'm supposed to do in my life, and I think that may be what's happening with a large amount of young couples today. I want to be so sure of myself that I am making the right decision and I want to do it because we're ready, not just because that's what couples are supposed to do at a certain age. Marriage is something that is so sacred to me, and I know that when I get married, I want it to be forever [and I'm not trying to throw out a cliche here].
I hope that I'm wrong about these young couples, and I really hope that their marriages work out beautifully. I just know that marriage to me is an overwhelmingly important decision that I take very seriously.
Anyhow, just some thoughts.
And I love weddings. :)
Love,
Steph
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
A Hundred Visions and Revisions
"There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands.
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea."
-From "The Love Song of J.Alfred Prufrock" by T.S. Eliot
I am in love with this little snippet from TS Eliot. It's brilliant, and I feel like I can really relate to it these days.
I'm going to be 20, and as John Mayer would so elegantly say "please, stop this train." It's a strange and unfortunate phenomenon that time seems to pass faster and faster as I grow older. I'm already through 1/4 of the "best years of my life" and that is just really frightening I guess.
It's just sort of scary that we're all growing up. No more high school, no more being "the freshman," no more calling for Mommy and Daddy's help when you get into trouble [ok, i'll probably never stop asking my mommy and daddy for help :P...but you get what I'm saying]. I absolutely love the independence of college and of being a 19 [almost 20] year old woman, but the responsibility that comes along isn't always so fun. I'm being forced to step up and take charge of situations that I've always felt comfortable being in the background of. I mean it really all started when my grandma got really sick in June, but I'm still not quite comfortable with the idea of total responsibility. It's new. It's overwhelming. But I'm growing up.
However, I love the part of the poem that says,
"Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And a hundred visions and revisions."
It really touches me at the place I am in life currently. Time is passing so quickly, yet, I have so much to look forward to in the future [and really, the near future]. While I strive to live in full color day to day and I think I do a pretty good job of it, I have hundreds of visions for the future and a heart full of plans that I can't wait to begin.
I guess I've been in a real short-term mode though lately, which has driven me to stop, re-group, and get a look at the bigger picture within my life. I've been stressing over the little things, about not having a job or car or a plan for the summer. But it's so much bigger than that, you know? I've realized that I can only try so much to control what is going on in my life - I mean I can apply for jobs, work to find a car, and all that jazz. But ultimately, I have no control over these things and I guess there is no use stressing over them. God WILL provide. He always does. And the only thing I can ask for is the wisdom to do the right thing with what I've been given.
In essence, I'm trying to look more long-term and plan for the future as well as become more comfortable being an adult, because I've been entirely neglecting that and it has landed me exactly where I am. I've come to terms with being an RA next year, a chance to act as a sort of mini-mom to a floor of students just like me. I've been praying a lot about it, and God's been screaming in my face that this is exactly what I need to be doing with my time next year. And let's face it, it's paying for me to stay at IU. And along with that, I'm really looking forward to Cru Band. I'll be a busy girl next year, but I'm ok with busy. I'm also ok with the responsibility I guess.
These next few months are going to be big growing months for me I think. I'm going to try to focus on the bigger picture while maintaining a healthy grasp of the short term [but not dwelling on the unavoidable]. I also want to start taking a more serious look at my future, and getting a more concrete, viable plan in place.
I think I can do it.
Love,
Steph
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands.
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea."
-From "The Love Song of J.Alfred Prufrock" by T.S. Eliot
I am in love with this little snippet from TS Eliot. It's brilliant, and I feel like I can really relate to it these days.
I'm going to be 20, and as John Mayer would so elegantly say "please, stop this train." It's a strange and unfortunate phenomenon that time seems to pass faster and faster as I grow older. I'm already through 1/4 of the "best years of my life" and that is just really frightening I guess.
It's just sort of scary that we're all growing up. No more high school, no more being "the freshman," no more calling for Mommy and Daddy's help when you get into trouble [ok, i'll probably never stop asking my mommy and daddy for help :P...but you get what I'm saying]. I absolutely love the independence of college and of being a 19 [almost 20] year old woman, but the responsibility that comes along isn't always so fun. I'm being forced to step up and take charge of situations that I've always felt comfortable being in the background of. I mean it really all started when my grandma got really sick in June, but I'm still not quite comfortable with the idea of total responsibility. It's new. It's overwhelming. But I'm growing up.
However, I love the part of the poem that says,
"Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And a hundred visions and revisions."
It really touches me at the place I am in life currently. Time is passing so quickly, yet, I have so much to look forward to in the future [and really, the near future]. While I strive to live in full color day to day and I think I do a pretty good job of it, I have hundreds of visions for the future and a heart full of plans that I can't wait to begin.
I guess I've been in a real short-term mode though lately, which has driven me to stop, re-group, and get a look at the bigger picture within my life. I've been stressing over the little things, about not having a job or car or a plan for the summer. But it's so much bigger than that, you know? I've realized that I can only try so much to control what is going on in my life - I mean I can apply for jobs, work to find a car, and all that jazz. But ultimately, I have no control over these things and I guess there is no use stressing over them. God WILL provide. He always does. And the only thing I can ask for is the wisdom to do the right thing with what I've been given.
In essence, I'm trying to look more long-term and plan for the future as well as become more comfortable being an adult, because I've been entirely neglecting that and it has landed me exactly where I am. I've come to terms with being an RA next year, a chance to act as a sort of mini-mom to a floor of students just like me. I've been praying a lot about it, and God's been screaming in my face that this is exactly what I need to be doing with my time next year. And let's face it, it's paying for me to stay at IU. And along with that, I'm really looking forward to Cru Band. I'll be a busy girl next year, but I'm ok with busy. I'm also ok with the responsibility I guess.
These next few months are going to be big growing months for me I think. I'm going to try to focus on the bigger picture while maintaining a healthy grasp of the short term [but not dwelling on the unavoidable]. I also want to start taking a more serious look at my future, and getting a more concrete, viable plan in place.
I think I can do it.
Love,
Steph
Monday, May 18, 2009
James, the Martyr
It's 1:33am. I had Red Amp...
Erin and I decided that we were going to study the first chapter of James this week and talk about it on Sunday. I dove in right away and absolutely loved it. James is about taking action, and I'm all about that.
The part that really caught my eye was verse 17. My version says,
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."
This just really opened my eyes. God places many challenges in our lives, twisting and turning the path that we once thought was the correct one. It's so hard, but we can find so much hope in this passage. For it states that "every good and perfect gift is from above" and I think that is so awesome. Every challenge, every hardship, every break in the path is a beautiful and wonderful gift from God, and though it may be disguised in an unusual or even terrifying form, every trial in our lives has beauty within it. And the cool thing is, it's our job to discover it.
James draws a striking parallel between persevering through trials and joy. He tells us that persevering through these trials that God gives to us will lead to a maturation and completion within our relationship with God. How stinkin' awesome is that?! God throws us curve balls with the ultimate plan of allowing us to grow and maximize the joy within our hearts.
God may throw many different "gifts" our way but we can all be certain that He will never tempt us, and I guess that makes it easy for us really. James 1:13 says that, "God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone." And though it's something I've never really though about, it seems entirely straightforward to me. This verse assures us directly that any temptation we face is from the enemy and will never foster an outpouring of God's love. I feel like that seems so simple? But why is it so hard sometimes to ignore those temptations even though we know for a fact they are not glorifying God?
It must be because we're human.
God is so huge.
It's 2:07am.
Love,
Steph
Erin and I decided that we were going to study the first chapter of James this week and talk about it on Sunday. I dove in right away and absolutely loved it. James is about taking action, and I'm all about that.
The part that really caught my eye was verse 17. My version says,
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."
This just really opened my eyes. God places many challenges in our lives, twisting and turning the path that we once thought was the correct one. It's so hard, but we can find so much hope in this passage. For it states that "every good and perfect gift is from above" and I think that is so awesome. Every challenge, every hardship, every break in the path is a beautiful and wonderful gift from God, and though it may be disguised in an unusual or even terrifying form, every trial in our lives has beauty within it. And the cool thing is, it's our job to discover it.
James draws a striking parallel between persevering through trials and joy. He tells us that persevering through these trials that God gives to us will lead to a maturation and completion within our relationship with God. How stinkin' awesome is that?! God throws us curve balls with the ultimate plan of allowing us to grow and maximize the joy within our hearts.
God may throw many different "gifts" our way but we can all be certain that He will never tempt us, and I guess that makes it easy for us really. James 1:13 says that, "God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone." And though it's something I've never really though about, it seems entirely straightforward to me. This verse assures us directly that any temptation we face is from the enemy and will never foster an outpouring of God's love. I feel like that seems so simple? But why is it so hard sometimes to ignore those temptations even though we know for a fact they are not glorifying God?
It must be because we're human.
God is so huge.
It's 2:07am.
Love,
Steph
Sunday, May 17, 2009
A Basement of all Basements
It's been a weird, stressful, interesting weekend, and I feel a pressing desire to write about it.
Thursday was the last "Kacie Party" at her old house before the big move, and with that came an overwhelming pool of emotions that I'm not really sure how to handle. Kacie's house has always been my safe haven, the place where I know I can always walk in the front door without knocking or open the fridge and grab a Coke Zero without feeling like I'm intruding. But more than that, Kacie's house has offered me a place to safely grow amongst a group of wonderful, loving friends. This group has changed a lot over the years - some people are there for a few hours, others for years. But we all relate. We all can say "I have been to Kacie's house" and that is a rare and beautiful thing.
Being a part of the original group that first inhabited Kacie's basement, I can say that my feelings towards the basement have fluctuated over the past 8 years. I love the basement [well not necessarily the basement, but the memories that accompany it]. But there were times when I didn't love the basement so much, when all I wanted to do was run away from the basement as fast as I could and not look back. When I wanted to run away from everything that once made me who I was, and find the true me apart from the just the basement.
And I did. And looking back, running away was everything I needed. However, I've grown to love and appreciate the place where a majority of my teenage memories took place as well as the people in them. I've been more than blessed to have a place where I can laugh till 3am watching ridiculous horror films, play rockband [even though I pretty much suck] without being made fun of [maliciously], and share my deepest thoughts. While I don't think I really need a basement to do this, this was THE place that all of these memories unfolded.
We moved all of Kacie's things into the new house [which is beautiful by the way], and went home for a little break. I got a call at 5:15 or so from Kacie telling me that her house was on fire. On fire. Like, REAL fire. I quickly drove to her house, parked, and ran to Kacie and her mom as the smoke billowed from my teenage hangout spot. It was devastating. I felt like MY house was burning. I can't even describe to you what I felt, let alone what Kacie and her mom were feeling. It was like a nightmare.
So just as we were coping with the idea of Kacie moving into a different house, our teenage home burnt down.
It's been a crazy weekend. It really has. All I can do is pray it out, and let God and time work their magic. Please pray for Kacie and her family...if I'm struggling this much, I can only imagine the pain and struggles that her family are going through.
Along with this, I've felt an overall discontentment with being home. And don't get me wrong, it has nothing to do with the people here or my home in general, it's just the idea of not being there. I'm miss the fellowship we established at school, the broad range of opportunities offered to me daily. When I'm home, I miss IU. And honestly, that last week at IU was very nearly hell. I can't win, and I don't know what to do to make it better? I'm hoping that time will work it out.
I just really dislike the person I am here at home - it's not the real me, the one who works to glorify the Lord in everything I start and finish. It's so weird. Lacking the constant accountability from those around me has truly showed me the depths of my relationship with the Lord, and at this point, I'm realizing that it's a lot more shallow than I thought it was. I'm realizing I guess that it is going to take a lot more work than I had planned in order to grow my relationship with Christ over the summer. I'm not sure I'm ready to be thrown out on my own with this one, but I'm just going to trust that God knows what's best for me right now - even if that means I'm somewhat discontent. I miss that accountability, and the strength I acquired over the past few months within my fellowship.
Met with Erin Bowles at Starbucks and had a beautiful chat with her! I'm really looking forward to our weekly chats. I love her!
I also talked with my mom tonight. She always makes me feel better!
God Bless You.
Love,
Steph
Thursday was the last "Kacie Party" at her old house before the big move, and with that came an overwhelming pool of emotions that I'm not really sure how to handle. Kacie's house has always been my safe haven, the place where I know I can always walk in the front door without knocking or open the fridge and grab a Coke Zero without feeling like I'm intruding. But more than that, Kacie's house has offered me a place to safely grow amongst a group of wonderful, loving friends. This group has changed a lot over the years - some people are there for a few hours, others for years. But we all relate. We all can say "I have been to Kacie's house" and that is a rare and beautiful thing.
Being a part of the original group that first inhabited Kacie's basement, I can say that my feelings towards the basement have fluctuated over the past 8 years. I love the basement [well not necessarily the basement, but the memories that accompany it]. But there were times when I didn't love the basement so much, when all I wanted to do was run away from the basement as fast as I could and not look back. When I wanted to run away from everything that once made me who I was, and find the true me apart from the just the basement.
And I did. And looking back, running away was everything I needed. However, I've grown to love and appreciate the place where a majority of my teenage memories took place as well as the people in them. I've been more than blessed to have a place where I can laugh till 3am watching ridiculous horror films, play rockband [even though I pretty much suck] without being made fun of [maliciously], and share my deepest thoughts. While I don't think I really need a basement to do this, this was THE place that all of these memories unfolded.
We moved all of Kacie's things into the new house [which is beautiful by the way], and went home for a little break. I got a call at 5:15 or so from Kacie telling me that her house was on fire. On fire. Like, REAL fire. I quickly drove to her house, parked, and ran to Kacie and her mom as the smoke billowed from my teenage hangout spot. It was devastating. I felt like MY house was burning. I can't even describe to you what I felt, let alone what Kacie and her mom were feeling. It was like a nightmare.
So just as we were coping with the idea of Kacie moving into a different house, our teenage home burnt down.
It's been a crazy weekend. It really has. All I can do is pray it out, and let God and time work their magic. Please pray for Kacie and her family...if I'm struggling this much, I can only imagine the pain and struggles that her family are going through.
Along with this, I've felt an overall discontentment with being home. And don't get me wrong, it has nothing to do with the people here or my home in general, it's just the idea of not being there. I'm miss the fellowship we established at school, the broad range of opportunities offered to me daily. When I'm home, I miss IU. And honestly, that last week at IU was very nearly hell. I can't win, and I don't know what to do to make it better? I'm hoping that time will work it out.
I just really dislike the person I am here at home - it's not the real me, the one who works to glorify the Lord in everything I start and finish. It's so weird. Lacking the constant accountability from those around me has truly showed me the depths of my relationship with the Lord, and at this point, I'm realizing that it's a lot more shallow than I thought it was. I'm realizing I guess that it is going to take a lot more work than I had planned in order to grow my relationship with Christ over the summer. I'm not sure I'm ready to be thrown out on my own with this one, but I'm just going to trust that God knows what's best for me right now - even if that means I'm somewhat discontent. I miss that accountability, and the strength I acquired over the past few months within my fellowship.
Met with Erin Bowles at Starbucks and had a beautiful chat with her! I'm really looking forward to our weekly chats. I love her!
I also talked with my mom tonight. She always makes me feel better!
God Bless You.
Love,
Steph
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